#98 – Why do we stand being 'bullied'?

At an offsite dinner with a company I used to work with, my boss bullied me.

It wasn't the first time, and in a strange, twisted manner, it made me feel like I 'belonged.' It wasn’t until a few months later, when we had mandatory workplace harassment training, that I realized this was precisely what I’d experienced.

At first, I took the 'hard teasing' as a rite of passage. If I could stand tall through the cruel jabs, then I thought I’d earned my place in the club.

I even imagined him patting me on the back, all proud as he corked the champagne, a fat cigar between his molars: She passed, she passed! She’s one of us now!

Yet, his hurtful comments also kept me on edge, constantly needing to prove myself—or else (and I pictured him drawing his hand slowly across his throat, a smirk on his face, like a villain in an old movie), he’d fire me.

That night, at a luxury resort near Marbella, he picked at me from all angles: for what I didn’t eat, didn’t drink, the sports I practiced, the hobbies I had…

At the previous year’s offsite, his teasing had made me cry. But not because I thought he was being cruel. No. I assumed something was wrong with me: the very thing that made him treat me the way he did.

It was a familiar feeling. My father had made me feel the same way. Since I was a small child, he’d mock me for being 'too sensitive,' 'too corny,' 'too delicate.' I learned it was safer to hide these parts of myself, or at least be ashamed of myself for having those parts.

I'd internalized my father's bullying as my personal self-protecting mechanism. Knowing that others would reject me for those parts, I'd rather not forget to hide them (or kill them, if possible).

This internalized "loving bully" eventually transformed into my Ego—one I imagine you also have. And when I saw it play out in my boss's 'teasing' (which had nothing loving about it), I realized I'd outgrown it. I no longer needed the twisted validation it offered, and so I fired him.

Who will you become when you fire your Ego?

Love,

Carolina