#381 – Who appointed you keeper of right and wrong?

Growing up, you learned to distinguish between two fundamental sets of things: what got you love and attention, and what got you punishment and rejection

By age 13, your Ghosts were active in your mind, working under your Ego. Their goal: to keep the outside world on your side (get love, avoid rejection).

If, like me, you grew up being told everything you did wrong because the "right stuff" was taken for granted, you learned, like I did, that judging is a great survival tool.

Looking at the grown-ups around you, you put two and two together: hm, if they survived, finding everything that's wrong with the world is the way to go!

Then, as you grew up, your Ghosts and Ego reminded you every so often to point your finger at faults. As you became more competent at that, they praised you, which made you go back for more.

Ah! How competent they made you feel! Such an expert, so incisive. What a great mind!

I know this well because, embarrassingly, it's my default way to approach work.

Years ago, while completing my Organizational & Relationship Systems Coaching certification, I asked to speak with a supervisor.

In my humble opinion (ahem), a fellow student was not "getting" it. They were not "embodying" the principles and I feared that their coaching could "hurt" people––now you see why I italicized humble.

The supervisor, being the awesome coach she is, asked me why that mattered to me. Hearing the question, I realized it: it wasn't my business. Who was I to decide who could and who couldn't be a relationship coach? Who'd appointed me the guardian of "coaching?"

More deeply, I saw that my judging others was my attempt to safeguard myself and my position: if I could spot flaws, then I was competent, indispensable. Phew! I wouldn't be kicked out.

But as I know now, "in my defenselessness my safety lies." Protection is an unnecessary illusion.

What did you try to safeguard by judging others (or yourself)?

Love,

Carolina