#478 – How can you turn any difficult conversation into an amicable chat?

The fact that “difficult conversations” is the subject of so many books, courses, and business-magazine articles tells you something about humans: exposing ourselves feels icky.

Last week, when I realized I needed to ask my landlord to break the lease, my stomach turned and a wave of heat covered the back of my neck. One more hurdle, I thought, on top of everything else we need to align for this move to happen.

While waiting for a letter from my son’s therapist recommending the move for mental-health reasons, I plotted. Only one possible outcome would satisfy me: the landlord’s agreeing (and giving us our deposit back). I could call this friend who’s a realtor, I could contact this tenant association, I could, I could...

But this morning my view changed: I could also accept anything that happens as the thing that’s supposed to happen.

If, instead of thinking I needed to manipulate the landlord into submission so I could move forward with my plan, I saw his response as information, I could relax and call him for an amicable chat. I’d just be asking for his help.

Then I realized that whether or not I get the outcome I want isn’t the only thing that scares me. I also don’t want to appear… needy.

Aha! The Ghost of Isolation hates when I ask for help—because if I need help, it means I’m vulnerable (and in the other person’s hands). And where would that lead me?

Oh! So the Ghost of Need to Prove is also around: prove that you’re capable, strong, powerful, invincible.

Meanwhile, my Ego is whistling, pretending it has nothing to do with this whole plot. But it was it all along! It doesn’t want to lose status––and asking for help (and the deposit back) means losing status. It shows I don’t have all the resources in the world, and that’s what sends the Ego spinning.

But when I stop caring about the outcome, and about how other people see me or what they think of me, I can just connect with them in a real conversation––not a chess game played with words.

What real conversations will you have once you drop your Ghosts' and Ego's needs?

Love,

Carolina