#82 – Who measures your success?

There's a difference between "being successful" and "succeeding" at something.

While some people use both expressions interchangeably, I want to argue that they aren't. The former makes of success an identity, while the latter makes it an action.

This reminds me of Brené Brown's distinction between shame and guilt: shame, she says, is the feeling of being fundamentally wrong whereas guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong.

When your goal is "to be successful," you're focusing on creating a certain identity for yourself, which you're tying to a certain outcome – for example, to acquire wealth, status, fame.

So, you have become successful only if and when you've achieved that outcome.

In this scenario, any setback puts your self-worth at risk: if you're "not successful," you're "a failure."

That's when shame shows up – I'm fundamentally wrong because I haven't achieved the outcome I was after.

In contrast, when your goal is "to succeed," you're focusing on the action you need to take because you believe it will lead to the outcome you desire.

But you remain detached from the outcome. If you take the action and it doesn't result in your desired outcome, your identity doesn't change.

You don't become "a failure" and shame no longer has a hold.

When do you find yourself attaching your identity to an outcome? Where could you shift the focus from identity to action?

Love,

Carolina