#54 – What if nothing I see means anything?

If nothing I see means anything, then I'm free.

The first time I washed my hair after my son was born, I feared that I might scare him if he saw me while I was blow-drying my hair, my head down.

I asked my husband not to bring him where he could see me because, I said, "he'll get scared, like I'm some kind of monster."

My husband responded, "He doesn't know what a monster is! He's just going to see something – why would he be scared?"

Wow. That countered how I'd been conditioned to see the world.

For my father, everything he saw meant something.

If he saw the mail disorderly spread on the dining table, a cupboard door left ajar, or an empty can of manzanilla olives on the kitchen counter, he'd ask, "Can someone explain what this means?"

He saw beyond things. He looked for the intention behind what he hadn't expected to see.

Not understanding the meaning of what he saw––Why isn't this cupboard fully closed? Who ate the olives? Why has the order in my living room been disrupted?––cranked up his anxiety (a mixture of fear, need for control, and vigilance).

I too learned to see meaning in every thing. A gesture, a book out of place, a knife with the tip blunted – what does this mean?

That's bondage. Because if everything I see means something, everything requires my judgment.

And when I judge what I see, I'm projecting myself onto it. Instead of seeing the thing, I'm seeing myself in the thing.

But if nothing has meaning, there's nothing to interpret, hence nothing to judge – including myself.

Then, I'm free and can just accept what is.

What have you learned to accept without judgment?

Love,

Carolina