#40–Is it frugality or self-deprivation?

"I don't want to feel like a poor child."

That's what my father responded one Christmas Eve when I confronted him about always buying excessive amounts of food for that night's dinner.

I got it. He grew up in post-war Spain, with ration-cards, food shortages, and toys made from cardboard boxes.

His response to deprivation was splurging–otherwise he wouldn't feel safe.

My response to his splurging became frugality.

Or was it self-deprivation?

Frugality comes from a mindful outlook on the world. You know that you don't need to splurge to feel happy, good about yourself, or even safe.

The energy of frugality is expansive and abundant. You know that there's plenty available; you just don't need to use it all.

But self-deprivation comes from a scarcity mentality.

You deny yourself basic needs and pleasures because you tell yourself that they are wasteful–maybe even "unvirtuous?"

I came to see my repressive, dictatorial austerity in the summer of 2005, when I attended a conference in Groningen, Holland.

Everything in Holland seems to revolve around beauty. To an austere mind, this might sound wasteful.

When I sat down on the train from Amsterdam airport and looked up, the upholstery's tulip pattern blew my mind–flowers in public transportation!

Then, at breakfast the next morning in the guest teachers' dining hall, I noticed the hanging lamps' wires. They were hanging very neatly and orderly, and they were red–red wires in a teachers' dining hall!–, matching the mini garbage bins on top of each table.

Despite this being the most affordable accommodation option for the conference, it was beautiful. Pleasant to the eyes. Warming to the soul.

I realized then that functionality didn't need to mean gray and sad.

Frugality didn't mean "sacrifice."

But when I feel uncertain about the future, I hold tight to what I have. I refuse to spend, even if this means depriving myself of what I need.

And then my soul gets dry and hard.

Has self-deprivation ever been your response to fear of the future?

Love,

Carolina

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