#489 – What do your questions say about yourself?

We all love to talk about ourselves. Being asked questions makes us feel interesting––the curiosity we spark!

Yes: asking questions brings you closer to people. A study showed that people paired up to chat with strangers liked their counterpart better when they were asked more questions.

I know that, but I haven't always practiced it.

Watching the first episode of the HBO miniseries Chernobyl, I asked my husband a question about his visit to Kiev in 1991. I realized I'd never asked him anything about it before. I knew everything he'd told me, but I was suddenly shocked to discover I'd never wanted to inquire further.

Why? What had made me not ask––not only about this but about many other things, from him and others?

That thought took me back to my first offsite with the firm I'd worked with in New York. The offsite was my official introduction to the global colleagues and, on the second night, one of the longest-standing consultants sat next to me to "grill" me about everything. One question puzzled me: "What would you like to ask these people?"

Frankly, there was nothing I wanted to ask them.

I didn't feel the need to know anything about them because I didn't care. I didn't think I could learn anything from them. I was "good" not knowing anything about them.

In other words: I felt superior. Arrogantly self-sufficient. Contemptuously self-content.

That puffed-up arrogance, I'm aware was the other side of my shrinking habit. I sought validation by sparking interest, but never thought I was interesting enough for others to want to answer my questions.

So I stayed there, like a porcelain doll, waiting to be noticed. And when I wasn't, I pouted and sulked, too embarrassed to ask first.

Coaching training changed my default setting. By learning to listen, I stopped listening to the voice inside my head. And when I became curious, I stopped judging myself.

What will you ask when you stop judging yourself?

Love,

Carolina