#208 – Did your Ghosts impair your view of parallel processes?

You know it by now: my son's in jail (wrongly, per recent evidence). He's in there, inside a bubble where light doesn't change between day and night, alone with his thoughts (and his cellmates').

We, in the free world, can't fathom how someone survives that sort of experience. We're all more resilient than we know, I guess.

And we, his parents, and girlfriend, are doing our best to survive our own emotionally challenging experience.

At times during the 121 days he's been there, we've "fought" over who's suffering more. But, as I told him yesterday, that's just a race to the bottom and we better not participate in it.

He, from inside couldn't imagine what could be worse than being stripped of his freedom and other basic rights. He couldn't see the processes we were all going through, even though we're outside.

Because his layers of self-protection, aka, Ghosts (fear, Misplaced Shame & Guilt, Need to Prove, Time Indifference, Isolation...) didn't let him see beyond his own suffering.

My own Ghosts were trying to impair my sight as well. Especially early on, before we had evidence of his innocence (97 days later: outrageous, but that's another story) or a clear narrative of that day.

My Ghosts were screaming between my ears, pulling my hair and poking my eyes with their bony fingers:

• What will people think of you, now that you have a son in jail?
• What a shame, to be the mother of an incarcerated individual (the phrase "incarcerated individual" made my stomach turn upside down)
• How much longer is he going to be there – people will find out, if he's not released soon
• You need to show everyone that you're not the type of mother who's raised a criminal (with many, many exclamation marks)
• Etcetera.

My Ghosts wanted me to "accuse" him of my suffering, make him the culprit: "If he hadn't gone there, none of this would've happened!"

But, relentless as I am in trying to find freedom from the Ghosts, I shook my head, looked them in the eye, and allowed them to go have fun somewhere else.

We each have our own internal battles, that's why forgiving other people for their Ghosts is the way.

What Ghosts haunting those around you will you forgive them for?

Love,

Carolina