#100 – How agile are you in transitions?

The last thing I remember from my life in Lisbon is crouching on the balcony, watching tanks roll down the streets while my Abuela Carola told me to stay down.

The first thing I remember from my life in Madrid is my mother, still in Lisbon, calling to tell me we had a new apartment. It wasn’t finished yet, but it would have a pool, and we’d move in once the building was complete. As she spoke, I stared at the little chain hanging from the green – or was it blue? – water tank in my Abuela Maria Luisa's tiny toilet room.

Though nearly a year passed between these memories, in my mind, it all happened overnight.

According to William Bridges's classic book Transitions, this significant shift when I was barely six shaped my relationship with endings, the necessary first step in any transition. After the ending and before the new thing begins, there's a "neutral zone," often characterized by uncertainty and confusion.

How you "do" endings determines how well you'll fare during the transition. Will it be traumatic? Will you remain optimistic? Will you fear the loss of what was?

Bridges also notes that human groups tend to "assign" emotional tasks – or inner roles – to their members.

In my family system, since I was the youngest and had little awareness of what the change meant, I didn't feel any particular loss or excitement. I simply went with the flow, which made me assume the role of cheerleader, eternally optimistic – yay, a pool! – and adaptable.

Reading the book helped me realize that, while this agility in transitions serves me well, it also leads to irrational expectations:

• I believe change should be easy. When it’s not, I worry that I’m doing something wrong, or that the change itself was a mistake.
• I expect transitions to happen "just like that" (finger snap). When they take time, I feel incapable or think the decision was wrong.
• I assume the new will always be better than the old. When it isn't, my Ego clenches its fists and stomps its feet – but it should be better!

Because I'm so focused on what's to come, I forget to put an end to what I'm leaving behind. Without that closure, Bridges points out, my mind isn't fully ready to transition to the new place.

What's most important, without closure, progressing through the "neutral zone," that lapse when we're mostly lost and confused, as though the lights had suddenly gone off, becomes arduous and scary.

How can you improve your relationship with endings?

Love,

Carolina