#253 – Is savior complex hiding behind your people-pleasing?

Yesterday, writing my morning pages, I noticed half my brain tracking my husband’s moves. If he were to show up in the kitchen for breakfast, I’d fold my notebook and mark my practice done, even before the three pages were filled.

I wondered why. Was it because I was shy to write in public, because writing made me feel vulnerable? Or because I didn’t want to interfere with his plans?

As I allowed my hand to keep moving, a thought came up. Writing secludes me in my own world. So, if I’m writing I’m not with him; so, not for him. Mind you, my husband is an extremely shy introvert, so I’m sure he doesn’t mind at all that I’m in my world while he’s in his.

But the feeling of staying behind an invisible wall while in his presence made me antsy. “What if he needs something from me?”

That’s where the thinking got interesting. Any reasonable person would think, “if he needs something, he’ll ask.” 

Not me: what I thought was (not only yesterday, but potentially for the 33 years we’ve lived together for) “he’s too shy to ask. I need to be available at all times, in case he needs me to read his mind.”

I was floored by this realization, because it’s true. Despite having learned as a certified Co-Active coach that “every person is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole,” I didn’t seem to have metabolized the principle. While I grant it to everyone else in the world, I wasn’t doing it for the two most important people in my life: my husband and my son.

Putting their needs ahead of my own came from not holding them as “naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.” Instead, I assumed they needed my rescuing. I assumed that controlling them by being always “available” was necessary for their wellbeing.

As a self-fulfilling prophecy, continuing to do that would effectively take away their resourcefulness, which would keep me chained to my own need to make myself available and put their needs ahead of mine. Talk about vicious circles!

What did you discover when you stopped trying to please someone?

Love,

Carolina