#533 – What will you gain by punishing those who "wronged" you?

Whenever I feel "wronged," I have dreams of vengeance. I know my Ego and its entourage of servile Ghosts are causing them, but I fall for them.

This morning, I was doing a set of split squats at the gym, when the yoga teacher arrived for the 9:00 am class, which I attended (and didn't enjoy) two weeks ago.

As I saw her cross the weight room, I sensed a twisted wish to let her know that I wouldn't be going to her class, thank you very much. And if she wanted to know why, well, I'd tell her: I hated the class.

In that moment, my eyes caught my reflection in the mirror. What are you doing? I heard in my head.

Yes, what was I doing? What did I think I'd gain by "punishing" her with my contempt?

I realized I was after some "restitution" for her having made me feel so inadequate in the class.

Ha! What a big lie: I made myself feel inadequate, because I refused to show incompetence––rather, my Ghost of Misplaced Shame did. It had me find reasons for why the class was so "bad," when the truth is I can't assess the quality of a yoga class because I've taken like six in my entire life (plus the Yoga With Adriene sessions I do in the comfort of my home).

Punishing her won't heal anything in me. If I chose to feel inadequate because the class was too difficult for my level, that's on me.

I don't need "restitution;" I need to be okay with being incompetent. Embrace it so that, with time and not self-judgment, I can become a little less incompetent.

My wish to punish was blocking my discomfort with incompetence.

What wishes of punishment will you drop so you can embrace the truth of your present moment?

Love,

Carolina