How to Stay in Self-Energy During the Holidays (Even When Family Pushes Your Buttons)

Holiday gatherings can be wonderful… and also surprisingly triggering. We may love our families, but they often have a special talent for activating the parts of us we thought we had under control.

So how do we stay grounded, compassionate, and positive while honoring the parts of us that want to run away, defend, or shut down?

Step 1: Notice Which Part Shows Up

In IFS, the first step is always awareness.

When someone says something triggering, pause and think:

“Which part of me just reacted?”

• The People Pleaser?
• The Fixer?
• The Judge?
• The Protector?
• The Wounded Child?

A simple, silent greeting helps you unblend:

“Hi there, I see you. I’m here.”

This alone shifts you toward Self energy—calm, curious, grounded, compassionate.

Step 2: Get Curious (Not Reactive)

Remind yourself:

“I don’t have to solve, change, or convince anyone right now.”

Instead, you can ask yourself:

• “What’s really bothering me?”
• “What does this part need from me?”
• “How can I support myself in this moment?”

Curiosity reduces defensiveness—both yours and theirs.

Step 3: Shift Your Inner Story

It can be hard to believe or remember that behind every difficult behavior is an unmet need.

Instead of “Why are they like this?” try:

“What might they be needing that they don’t know how to ask for?”

Connection? Security? Recognition? Belonging?

This shift doesn’t excuse behavior—but it softens your internal stance.

Step 4: Respond From Self, Not the Triggered Part

From Self-energy, you have choices:

• Breathe and say nothing.
• Offer a neutral question: “Tell me more about that.” or "That's interesting."
• Set a boundary kindly: “I’d love to enjoy our time—can we skip that topic today?”
• Redirect with warmth.

Self responds. Triggered parts react.

Step 5: Celebrate the Wins

Every moment you pause…

Every time you unblend…

Every breath before responding…

These are victories. Tiny doorways into a holiday season with more ease, compassion, and connection.

To browse (and share!) past positivity tips, visit this page.

Tina Hallis, Ph.D., strives to be a thought-shifter! She is a professional speaker and founder of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping individuals and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures.