If you are local to the Madison, WI area, I would love to get your feedback on my new talk related to IFS - Inner Alignment for Outer Impact. No fee, just feedback. It will be on December 11th at the George Culver Library in Sauk City at 10:30 am. I'm passionate about sharing this information and want to create an impactful and memorable talk to share with groups and organizations. I will record it, so if you can't make it but are willing to share your thoughts, reply to this email, and I will send you the recording. THANK YOU!!

Reflecting or Ruminating? 5 Questions that Can Change How You Handle Hard Emotions

When I speak on how to be more positive, one of the practices I often share is how to distract yourself when negative thoughts take over. Listen to a favorite song. Spend time with a pet. Get outside.

But then I would also hear the advice that we need to feel our emotions and not suppress them. It felt like these approaches were conflicting. So I started exploring the two choices -

"Sit with my emotions.”

or

“Don’t ruminate — distract myself.”

A helpful insight I discovered is that both approaches can be healthy.

The key is knowing which one your system needs in each moment.

When Distraction Is Actually the Healthier Move

Sometimes distraction is exactly what our nervous system needs. If our thoughts are looping, our chest is tight, we feel immersed in the emotions and can't step back to observe, this isn’t a moment to “go deeper.”

We're not avoiding our feelings — we're giving our overwhelmed parts a break.

A walk, music, a conversation, a funny video — these aren’t escapes. They are ways of acknowledging,

“My system is overwhelmed. Let me settle first.”

When It’s Time to Turn Toward the Feeling

Other times, we’re calm enough to be curious.

We sense some space around the thought.

Our breath isn’t stuck in our throat.

There’s some ability to recognize that this is a part and not our True Self.

This usually means there's at least some Self energy present. And that’s when sitting with the feeling becomes healing instead of overwhelming.

In this place, we’re able to check in with our thoughts and feelings. Now we can get curious and ask our parts,

“I’m here with you. What’s going on? What are you trying to tell me?”

without drowning in the emotion.

A Simple 5-Question Self-Check

To know which direction to go, try asking yourself:

1. Is my mind spiraling or exploring?
2. Can I feel even 10% calm or grounded right now?
3. Is my body tightening or softening?
4. Does this part feel overwhelmed — or simply wanting to be heard?
5. Do I feel curious… or pressured to “deal with it”?

If your answers lean toward spiraling, tight, overwhelmed, pressured → distract to regulate.

If you feel even a little curious, soft, grounded → gently go inward.

This approach resonates with me, so I'm excited to give it a try.

I won't force myself to face emotions before I'm ready. And I won't avoid them forever. I will check in with them when I feel some space and get curious with compassion. I'm going to give it a try right now!!

To browse (and share!) past positivity tips, visit this page.

Tina Hallis, Ph.D., strives to be a thought-shifter, providing cutting-edge programs that blend the science of positivity with the transformative depth of Internal Family Systems (IFS) to unlock deeper self-awareness, healthier interactions, and lasting positive cultures.