A Formula to Improve Your Relationships

Here’s an easy formula to determine (and possibly improve) the health of your relationships with your partner, your kids, and even colleagues at work. Simply count the number of positive and negative interactions/comments between you and the other person. Then, divide the number of positives by the number of negatives. This is your positivity ratio, a concept from the work of Prof. Barbara Fredrickson.

Studies show that when the ratio for a relationship gets below 3 (3 positive for every 1 negative), the relationship is in danger. The ideal range is between 3 and 9. (For partners, the recommended range is 5 to 9.) How interesting that we need at least 3 good interactions to balance out only one negative interaction!

How often do we find ourselves correcting, nagging, or losing patience with our kids (or spouse)? We may not even consider our “gentle” reminder to do homework as negative, but what counts is how the other person perceives our comment.

Are we making the effort to balance any negative comments with enough appreciation, thank yous, and encouragement? Are we asking them for advice, for their ideas and opinions instead of lecturing? I know I need more reminders to do this!!

Run your own experiment. Tomorrow, pay attention and make sure your positivity ratio with someone in your life is at least a 3. It may feel challenging at first, but give it a try and see if you notice a difference.

To browse past positivity tips, visit this page.

Tina Hallis, Ph.D., is a professional speaker and founder of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping individuals and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures.