The Stimulus Newsletter

Hello friends,

Before we talk about the fact that everyone has smelly sh*ts, I wanted to let you know that there are only a few slots left for Awake and Aware, our live event in Bend, Oregon, May 1-3, 2024.

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Defusing Conflict Before It Begins

One of the docs in our Flameproof Course recently shared a story about how he flipped the script on an administrator who was consistently rude and dismissive. 

More on that later, but it got me thinking about different strategies for defusing conflict before it begins. 

Below are seven quick-hit approaches to putting yourself in a positive frame of mind and setting the tone you want rather than having it set for you.

The Most Respectful Interpretation

During the Cuban missile crisis, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev sent an extensive and respectful message of placation to John F. Kennedy. In a bizarre twist, Khrushchev immediately followed this with an aggressive, hostile message. 

What was going on here? 

Khrushchev liked to bang his shoe

Kennedy framed events in his mind so that the conciliatory message was where the Soviet Premier was really coming from and that Khrushchev's generals prodded him to send the aggressive one. 

That frame may or may not have been true, but it was Kennedy's perspective. As far as we know, no further mention of the aggressive message was made. 

Was the most respectful interpretation responsible for the subsequent de-escalation? I don’t know. It probably didn’t hurt.

Premeditatio Malorum

Marcus Aurelius, Stoic philosopher and emperor of Rome, wrote this in his Meditations,

"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly."

Marcus Aurelius threw down

Premeditatio Malorum like a boss

That may sound like a dark, sourpuss worldview, but the practice of Premeditatio Malorum—anticipating potential adversities to prepare for them mentally—allowed him to fortify for events going horribly wrong and be pleasantly surprised when they didn’t. 

Optime Conantes

I made this one up, but it’s Latin for ‘trying their best.’ 

Optime Conantes serves as the counterbalance to Premeditatio Malorum, embracing the notion that everyone strives to do their best, albeit not always in ways that align with our preferences.

This perspective echoes a timeless adage that offers a gentle rebuttal to Aurelius,

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

I find this philosophy more appealing than Premeditatio Malorum, as it initiates interactions with a gesture of goodwill rather than a stance braced for conflict.

Decline the Invitation

When met with difficulty from your interlocutor, you receive an invitation to join a bit of drama. 

Respectfully decline. 

Thanks, but no thanks

Instead of jumping into the drama with this person, be neutral, discerning, curious, and warm. 

If You Think Your Boss Sucks

Your boss probably thinks the same of you. 

The move here is to become an asset instead of an opponent. This is called ‘managing up.’ 

There are two aspects to managing up. The first is defining what you'd like the relationship with your boss to look like and then taking steps to bring that to fruition.

The second, and perhaps even more important, is identifying how your boss measures success. You probably have no idea, even if you think you do.

Ask them - How do they define success in their job? 

Are you helping with that, or are you at loggerheads? If you can help them move the needle for their own success metric, you will have wins pouring out of your ears.

Your leader may need to improve in many areas, but you are stuck with them for now. What you do with that reality is up to you. 

Everyone takes smelly sh*ts

When transferring to tertiary centers, I have a client who used to be intimated by surgical subspecialists, especially neurosurgeons.

He came up with this brilliant micro pregame before making the call,

“Before picking up the phone, I pause, take a breath, and remind myself, remember this person takes smelly sh*ts too.“ 

Too much?

Just that frame/reframe releases a little tension and dials down the sense of intimidation that had been occurring before even the first word was spoken. 

It leveled the playing field. 

Ironic preparation

Looping back to our Flameproof physician. 

He was speaking with two colleagues about an imminent conversation with the boss’s assistant. 

"She never smiles, barely greets you, and is often difficult."

Alluding to her, he smiled and said, “I’m going upstairs to meet our amiable boss’s assistant.” 

His colleagues stared at him incredulously. 

Then, they all smiled altogether.

They had involuntarily created an ironic way to face the difficulty. 

In the end, the encounter went surprisingly smoothly. She even smiled!

He came away from the event with these three insights:

Irony sets a fair tone.

Irony makes you see the problem at a certain distance.

If your body smiles, then your mind smiles too.

Keep on rocking,

Robbie O

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