What's So Alluring About Blame?

We are seemingly hardwired for blame.(1,2) If it’s such a deeply ingrained aspect of our nature, why not embrace it?

In our latest podcast about the qualities of healthy versus unhealthy relationships, our guest, psychotherapist Ryan Cheney, addressed what happens to us when we grasp onto blame.

What’s the issue with blame, anyway? If something is someone else's fault, shouldn't we assign it to them?

Oooh, it feels so good to be right, or at least for them to be wrong!

Blame might offer a momentary sense of righteousness, but it ultimately hinders personal growth and can lead to a sense of disconnection from others.

A Different Approach to Blame

What if, instead of letting blame run wild, we internalize it?

Wait. What?

Internalizing blame doesn’t mean we blame ourselves instead of the other. It’s also not about indulging in self-criticism or playing the martyr — internalizing blame shifts from accusation to introspection.

Why Would I Take Responsibility When They’re the Ones Who Are in the Wrong?

Think about the last time you were consumed with blaming someone else.

How did you feel? How did it go? My guess is that you were the one who suffered. It’s like drinking poison and hoping that it kills the other person.

We can’t control when blame arises. Just like any thought, it’s going to pop up at its leisure.

Where we do have a choice is what happens once blame is noticed.

It Doesn’t Mean Not Caring

Take note next time you consume news. Sure, there’s information, but how much blame is there? How does that work toward solving the problem?

There’s a difference between not blaming and not caring.

How to Internalize Blame

Notice the blame: When you catch yourself blaming someone (or something), pause and acknowledge it.

Identify the thought and emotion: Ask yourself what specific thought is behind this blame. What emotion are you feeling? Is it anger, frustration, hurt?

Locate the sensation: Try to sense where in your body you feel this emotion. Is it in your chest, stomach, throat?

Shift focus to self-reflection: Redirect your attention from the other person's perceived wrongdoing to what’s happening in you.

Don’t push it away: It’s natural to be repelled by the unpleasant feelings connected with blame. Can you own the feeling? Sit with it for a moment longer?

It’s not easy! This practice takes bravery and honesty. It’s also a lifelong practice because blame will always be on patrol.

The Payoff

Latching onto blame, we can get caught up in rumination and an unproductive narrative.

By taking a pause and noticing what it’s like to blame, we can disrupt that cycle and act from a place of equanimity.

This isn’t about rolling over and taking it; quite the opposite. This is about giving yourself the opportunity to solve problems and move forward in the best possible way.

Keep on rocking,

Robbie O

References

I first learned this practice of internalizing blame from Pema Chodron. The specific slogan she uses is “Drive All Blames Into One”. The steps in the above exercise come from her book Start Where You Are.

1. Blumoff, Theodore Y. "The Problems with Blaming." Law, Mind and Brain. Routledge, 2017. 127-172. Link
2. Tognazzini, Neal, and D. Justin Coates. "Blame." (2014). Link
3. Chödrön, Pema. Start where you are: A guide to compassionate living. Shambhala Publications, 2001.
4. Hanh, Thich Nhat. Peace is every step: The path of mindfulness in everyday life. Bantam, 1992.

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