Howdy,

A couple weeks ago I started seeing a new therapist (my fourth one ever). It got me thinking about my experience with the first three. Each one taught me unique lessons and today I'm going to share a few of them with you.

High School

Because my dad was against the idea of going to therapy, I only went to a handful of sessions with my first therapist. During our last session, she and I made a list of all the things I had identified and learned in my time with her.

It's wild how true all of these still are in my present day.

1- See the child in others so I can understand why they are the way they are.

2- Don't try to control everything; I can't.

3- Pressure cooker metaphor: release my anger as it comes up, don't let it build.

4- DO NOT try to help and/or rescue everyone. That's too much responsibility that doesn't belong to me.

5- Think about myself, too, not just how others will be affected.

6- Distance myself when losing control; come back when I've regained it.

Age 22

I chose my therapist the second time around. I didn't have a session-limit. But my life was falling apart and I wasn't ready to take responsibility for it. So the lessons I learned this time around were different, but still incredibly valuable.

1- NEVER choose a therapist because I'm physically attracted to her.

2- Always tell my therapist the truth. If I ever lie to them, come back next time and tell them why I lied. Sometimes this is where the most growth happens in therapy.

3- I know my relationship with my therapist is working if I feel I can communicate with them safely and free of judgment.

4- The more "advice" your therapist gives you, the less qualified they are to be your therapist.

Age 23-25

For me, the third time was the charm. My life was again starting to fall apart, but this time I knew that taking ownership of my mistakes was the only way to change the ending. So I went in with a completely different mindset this time around.

1- I get the most out of therapy when I know why I'm there and I have a direction I want to go in. That doesn't mean I'll end up exactly at that location. But without direction, I'm more likely to use therapy as avoidance.

2- My therapist doesn't have to be the smartest person in the room in order to help me grow.

3- Sharing a similar background and culture with my therapist is important if I want to feel seen by them.

4- There will be times when I feel angry at or challenged by my therapist. This generally means I have an opportunity for change/growth in front of me.

5- Therapy serves me in 2 different ways: It gives me an understanding of how I think and it helps me feel my emotions. If it doesn't do either of those two things, it's not working.

Final Thoughts

It's hard to look at our lives with an honest lens if we do so alone. Evolutionarily speaking, we're not built to be in a state of constant change. Our mind was designed to protect us.

Change happens when we give ourselves permission to look at our experience differently than we have been. To consider alternate pathways.

Having someone there whose job it is to help us do this not only speeds up the process, it helps us feel safe doing it.

All the best,

Nick

(3/29) Writing Prompt: Have you ever been to therapy? If you have, make a list of all the lessons you've learned thus far. If you haven't, write about why you haven't. Are you afraid? Do you have limiting beliefs set around counseling? Where are you rationalizing out of fear?