It was mid-noon, and I was calling it a day when I was interrupted by a colleague who asked why I was leaving early. Holding back my anger and shock, I masked my emotions and came up with an excuse so politely that he didn't ask any further. I was leaving for home; I actually wanted to go to a space where I could shout my lungs out.

I was fired from my job after the project's successful launch a week ago.

During the notice period, I would make sure no one in my team is impacted; I'm sharing and delegating every possible detail, and to ensure this is completed on time, I would work tirelessly around the clock during a phase where I'm shown the door.

Had it not been for such setbacks and my work with my mentor and coach, I would never have realized that I unconsciously behaved like a martyr or a savior, governed by a compulsion to take care of everyone, regardless of context or need.

Today, when I look back, I'm filled with empathy for my younger self, who was actually operating out of the hardwired core beliefs of being that good person no one would reject.

The reason behind putting everyone else's needs before my own carried a deep, buried need to belong and the belief that only the good people belong.

If, like me, you also have a tendency always put yourself last in line and then wonder why you feel so dejected and disappointed with life?

To find an answer to this question, you need to travel back in time to your growing years, where the first lesson on a sense of self was getting built inside you, and if you happen to come from families and communities that taught you through their demonstrated behaviors that a good person always keeps themselves last in line before everyone.

You by now may have some idea what an arduous journey it has been for you up to this point, in a state of neglect, silently screaming for an answer.

Helper, Giver, Good, & Generous- all these and your own terms given to you in your growing years, which were deeply absorbed, laying the foundation on which your sense of self was built.

While each of these is a beautiful quality. The problem begins when they stop being choices and become the only way you believe you are worthy of love, acceptance, or belonging. Over time, these labels can quietly become the foundation of your identity, making it difficult to recognize your own needs without feeling guilty.

To understand why you choose yourself last, you need to know the first script embedded inside your inner self, and to find that, you need to answer the following questions;

Before you answer these questions, begin with a grounding exercise in deep breathing to find a state of calm, which you will need most as you write down your responses while encountering the neglected self.

1. My sense of self is.................? or I'm ..................................

2. What do I truly deserve?

3. What will happen if I choose myself first?

4. Why is it necessary to fulfill others' needs before mine?

5. Whom will I betray if I choose myself first?

6. I matter because .......................

There are no right and wrong answers here, however, you need to give yourself enough time to reflect and answer these questions; Your responses will help you peel layers of hidden emotions and associations and may pave way to reconnect with the part of yourself that has been living in a state of neglect for years.

Take as much time as you need to write and reflect on your responses.

If you are wondering what a neglected self is?

The neglected self is very similar to a mountain shaped by weathering; It is so slow that it is hardly noticed; no single gust of wind or drop of rain appears powerful enough to change it. Yet over years, those tiny forces reshape its surface.

Our neglected self develops in much the same way. Each time we silence our needs or place ourselves last, it seems like a small sacrifice. But over time, these moments accumulate, quietly reshaping our inner world until resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection begin to appear.

If, in your responses to the questions above, you found that you need assistance with your neglected self, I'm here to help. Let's talk !

Warmly,

Mehnaz Amjad

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