Hi ,

"My teen never talks to me."

I hear this weekly. Sometimes daily.

And every time, I wonder: Are they not talking? Or are we not listening?

Here's an uncomfortable truth: most of what we call "listening" isn't listening at all.

We're:

• Waiting for our turn to respond
• Mentally preparing advice
• Half-present while scrolling
• Already composing our lecture

Your teen notices. So they stop trying.

What real listening looks like:

✓ Phone away, fully present

✓ Reflecting back what you hear ("Sounds like you're frustrated")

✓ Tolerating silence (count to 7 before responding)

✓ Asking "Tell me more" instead of "Why would you do that?"

✓ Validating feelings before evaluating choices

When teens feel truly heard:

• They share more, not less
• They bring problems to you earlier
• They become receptive to guidance
• Phone addiction decreases (they're not seeking validation elsewhere)
• Risky behaviors decrease (they don't need intensity to feel seen)

One mom I worked with was convinced her daughter never talked. We recorded one of their "conversations." The daughter tried to share something five different times. Each time, Mom interrupted with advice, redirection, or her own story.

The daughter gave up.

Mom was shocked when she saw it. "I had no idea I was doing that."

Most of us have no idea we're doing that.

This week's practice:

Have ONE conversation where you just listen. No advice. No fixing. No lectures. Just pure, present listening.

Try this: "I want to understand what's going on for you. Help me see it from your perspective."

Then... listen. Tolerate the silence. Don't rush to fill it.

See what happens.

A father I worked with tried this with his son, who typically gave one-word answers. When Dad stopped interrogating and started really listening, his son talked for an hour. The dad texted me: "He's been carrying all of this, and I had no idea because I never actually listened."

Your teen might be trying to tell you things right now. The question is: Are you listening deeply enough to hear it?

Next week: How to set boundaries without damaging connection (yes, it's possible).

To deep listening,

Latifah Ajetunmobi.

P.S. The most common deathbed regret? "I wish I had listened more." Don't wait.