Dear ,

There's a question I hear from parents more than almost any other: "How do I protect my child from toxic relatives without breaking up the whole family?"

It's the wrong question.

The right question is, "Why am I more concerned about keeping toxic people comfortable than keeping my child safe?"

I know that sounds harsh. But this week, I want you to sit with something uncomfortable: Not everyone who shares your bloodline deserves access to your child.

That uncle who makes inappropriate comments? That aunt who constantly humiliates your teenager? Those in-laws who treated widows horribly when they lost their husbands and continue to undermine them in front of their children? Or humiliate you each time you visit them while still married to their son

They've shown you who they are. Your child has shown you how they feel around these people. The only question left is, what are you going to do about it?

Here's what I see happening:

Parents who coach their children on "staying close to mom" at family events (teaching them that family isn't safe). Parents who make excuses for toxic relatives' behavior (teaching children that blood relation excuses harm). Parents who force children to hug or interact with relatives the child clearly fears or dislikes (teaching children their bodily autonomy doesn't matter).

And then we wonder why our teenagers don't want anything to do with family gatherings. Why our adult children move far away and rarely visit. Why the next generation has zero interest in cultural traditions.

It's not because they don't value family. It's because we taught them that "family" means enduring abuse in silence.

Here's your homework this week:

Make a list of family members your child naturally gravitates toward and those they avoid. Ask yourself honestly: Am I maintaining relationships that harm my child to avoid conflict with adults? Consider: What am I teaching my child about boundaries, respect, and self-protection through my family choices?

Your child is watching how you handle toxic relatives. They're learning what relationships should look like. They're forming their understanding of family, culture, and self-worth based on what you tolerate.

What do you want them to learn?

We'll go deeper next week.

With understanding,

Latifah Ajetunmobi

P.S. If you're thinking, "But in my culture, we can't just cut off family"—I understand. I'm not asking you to abandon your culture. I'm asking you to examine which parts of your culture actually serve your family's well-being and which parts serve toxic people's ability to continue harming others without consequences. There's a difference.