Hi ,

Recently I shared how difficult these 4 interactions may be for you:

1. Sharing in front of your team (in person or virtually)
2. Speaking to angry people
3. Asking your partner to pick up after themselves
4. Correcting the coffee barista when your order is wrong...again

So I have a question for you, which one of these stops you in your tracks?

If you answered yes to any of these, you are not alone!

These tasks are challenging for MOST of us (gulp).

You may ask yourself, "Why can't I just SAY that I need my plain coffee order fixed when I get a decaf, half-soy, half-oatmilk, pumpkin latte instead?!"

Because, my thoughtful communicator, this exchange does not feel natural to you. In fact, many of the daily interactions that SHOULD come naturally are not natural at all.

Why?

We are hardwired to avoid conflict, to blend in, and roll with the pack.

These interactions force us to STAND OUT and go against the grain, which we are just not hardwired to do (except for you disrupters, I see you Glass Onion fans!)

The good news is that you can get more comfortable communicating with daily practice.

Here are tried and true communication skills you can do to help:

How to share with your team:

When you feel nervous sharing at your meetings, you are likely experiencing physiological symptoms like a racing heart, shaky voice, or tense muscles; you are on "high alert". Don't be alarmed by these symptoms. Remember, we humans are hardwired to not "stand out" from our pack, because we fear being rejected, which is why public speaking is one of our greatest fears of all time.

Step 1: Take immediate action. Check that you are breathing deeply from your diaphragm, relax your throat muscles, and root your feet firmly into the ground. Smile, it will give you a happy endorphin rush and fool your brain to relax. Literally "faking it til you make it" will tell your nervous system that you are safe.

Step 2: Practice sharing something short with your group for starters. You don't have to share a long and elaborate idea to make a meaningful contribution in your meetings. Often we have a very rigid idea of how we SHOULD share. Let that "shoulda, coulda, woulda" voice go! Take small steps to get out of your comfort zone, by sharing a little at each meeting, and you will gradually feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts.

How to Speak to Angry People:

1. Be Direct: As long as you feel safe, speak directly to the angry person rather than communicate through email or text. Speaking directly in real time is the best way to communicate when emotions are charged.
2. Fully Listen: Listen to them with Full Body Listening. Show that you are listening with your ears, eyes, and full body. Face them, make eye contact, and don't look away or multitask. Sometimes all the angry person needs is to feel fully heard.
3. Stay Calm and Logical: Repeat back the key facts that they bring up so you let them know you understand. Repeat what they say back to them in a neutral tone. "So what I hear you saying is that..."
4. Set Boundaries: Set clear boundaries to limit the heated conversation to what you can handle. State that "I have 15 minutes to meet with you now". Setting a clear boundary will help the angry person contain their emotions. If it's a more complex issue, you can schedule another time later on.
5. Work together towards a solution: People want to feel like there is an actionable step being taken. Ask what they need from you. Suggest what you think can help and then listen to their reply.
6. Follow-up: Once things have settled, check-in to make sure that you are in agreement.

How to Ask Your Partner to Clean Up:

1. Be direct: You may be worried about how your request will come across to your partner. The best thing you can do is be direct and honest. "It would help me if you could do this..." Frame it in a helpful light, rather than blame, "You do this!"
2. Don't attack: Avoid using absolute words like "always/never" which will make them feel defensive. Most people don't want to disappoint their partners so they'll automatically feel concerned (even if they appear defensive or annoyed).
3. K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple sweetheart) Keep your request short, concise, and not emotionally charged.
4. Be open: Give them space and time to respond. They may not agree the way you would like them to, but if you communicate your message clearly and respectfully, then they will hear your request in time.

How to Correct the Barista When Your Order is Wrong:

1. Respectfully & concisely explain what happened: "I ordered A and I got B" or "This is not what I ordered".
2. Do not blame or berate: Mistakes happen, it is not personal, so don't make it personal. They want to get it right for you.
3. Do not apologize. If it's someone else's mistake then you are not responsible. Don't say, "I'm sorry but..." Simply state the issue with your order and wait for them to fix it. Then sit back and enjoy that warm beverage you ordered!

Remember, you strengthen your communication skills by taking a small step every day.

Great communicators aren't made in a day, they grow stronger with practice over time.

Want to strengthen your communication skills?

My next small group communication training starts soon on 2/16 and you can join HERE. (The price goes up on 2/9/23)

Stay Calm & Speak On,

Voice Coach Jessica

P.S. Want to learn how this training really works? Find out how HERE