Hey ,
We can all feel lonely because we don't have any one around us in our day.
But most of our loneliness starts from a place before that.
Isolation is not about being on your own physically - it's about a lack of true, deep connections between you and others.
People can be, and are, lonely in their work, their house, with their families, even with their friends.
But we tell these lonely people (usually not even to their face) that the remedy is as simple as going out and being with other people.
I think we all know this is a lie, and far too simple.
I think we also do this, because it puts the responsibility on them, not us.
You might find that things are going quite well in your life right now.
And when you hear of other friends who are struggling, it might be your (totally valid and well-meaning) decision not to complain to them in any way, and only offer up a supportive listening ear.
I'm afraid to say that this isn't the best approach.
Here's three reasons why:
1. You create a power dynamic where the friend feels beneath you.
- I work more with men at the moment and know that one of the biggest limitations in talking about their problems is the feeling of pity and judgement they'll get from you.
- If all your conversations about troubles become one sided, that friend's going to sense this and stop coming to you.
- Further, they're setting up a routine where they now come to you, only to feel pity, rather than speaking with an equal.
This will lead them into no longer reaching out.
2. You leave the friend feeling isolated and unusual.
- One of the most striking things about the men's circle I was in recently was just how similar the themes of our challenges were. As callous as it sounds, it's comforting to hear that you're not the only one struggling with something.
- Equally, hearing people go through different challenges to you offers you the chance to compare 'I'd rather be dealing with my shit than theirs...'
- If your friendship becomes a one-sided monologue about the friends' problems, you're not offering them the chance to feel comforted and 'with' you in your joint problems.
This will lead them into no longer reaching out.
3. It removes the opportunity for your friend to act as your friend
- One of the best ways for the friend to feel helpful, balance the scales in your relationship, and demonstrate their returning love for you is to be your listening ear.
- Deciding that you aren't going to bother them with your challenges anymore reduces their ability to help you. This reduces your shared impetus to keep connecting as friends.
- By helping you solve your own problems, your friend feels useful, and may also take some of this advise for themselves.
This might lead to you losing a friendship.
At the start of this month, I led a men's retreat called: Becoming a shoulder to lean on.
One of the goals for all the lads there was to encourage them to actively share their challenges with friends, whether they felt they truly needed to share, or not.
It takes courage to share when you don't have to. So why should expect or demand that the person struggling most should lead this?
Like buying the first round, the gesture invites reciprocity.
And reciprocity is exactly what we're losing.
With more of us outsourcing our inner life to therapists, friendships become convenient rather than necessary.
I guess we've replaced the round with direct table order, and the mate with the call to BetterHelp.
Tidier. Quieter. Lonelier
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