#316 – How does "should" destroy your peace?

I first learned about the destructive power of "should" during my coach training, back in 2019.

The students' chairs formed a circle in a windowless conference room in the Times Square Marriott Marquis, gray carpet, a white board with the words "saboteurs" and "self-sabotage" on it.

One of the co-leaders was standing, listening to a student's question, which included "I know I should." He cut her off: "what part of you says you 'should'?"

Puzzled looks everywhere––but it's a way of speaking, I thought. One that has taken me years to master, as a non-native speaker of English!

When the instructor explained why "should" was destructive, I got it. Thoughts are never neutral, and neither are "ways of speaking," because with every "way of speaking," which comes from and with a thought, you're creating your experience of reality.

Every "should" tells you you're not living up to the expectations someone had of you (you, a parent, teacher, boss). "Should" acknowledges that you're somewhat "bad" in comparison to someone's idea of "good."

Today, I got it at an even deeper level.

Whenever you use "should," you're fighting reality; you're telling yourself that whatever is happening right now is not what is supposed to be happening.

• "My son should be free by now" (re: my son is not supposed to be in jail)
• "I should have found a well compensated position by now" (re: I am not supposed to be unemployed)
• "I should be writing in my book every day" (re: I am supposed to have 100% clarity about the book and write in it every day, like other writers do)
• "I should be fitter/eat better/sleep more/drink less coffee... (endless list of possible shoulds)"

Every should is a confirmation that I'm not getting what I want, and so I clench my fists and stomp my feet. Well, of course, my Ego does, in its arrogance that it knows more about reality than reality itself.

But when I forgive myself for wanting things to be different and relax into what I can't change, I summon the energy needed to change whatever it is I can change.

Without the Ego's anxious breath on my neck, I'm free to think––not about what I should do but about what I want in life.

Which is inner peace and freedom through growth and self-evolution, not through pursuing someone else's ideal of "good."

Which 'shoulds' will you drop to free you from your internal war?

Love,

Carolina