#229 – Is self-victimization keeping you stuck in guilt?
The Ghost of Misplaced Guilt (GoMG) had been gnawing at my ear every Monday since I started my weekend job selling coffee machines at a mall, with a commute of at least 90 minutes each way. "You're still not making enough money" was its litany.
The physical exhaustion seemed justified, but I couldn't let go of an untraceable need for exertion.
On Monday, after dragging my feet to the outdoor weight-lifting facility by the beach, doing my transcendental meditation, and having my nutritious breakfast, I idled over coffee and Substack notes until I mustered enough oomph to go do my morning pages.
My inner dictator, which makes me engage in the by-the-book wholesome activities described above, revealed itself on the pages, wearing the GoMG's costume.
It said:
- You don't deserve to rest until you have a substantial and steady source of income
- You can't enjoy your free time until you have a job you can be proud of on LinkedIn (re: a high-status job)
- How do you justify your Monday walks with your husband when you make so little money selling coffee machines?
Feeling beat, an Oliver Twist-like voice inside sobbed inconsolably, while protecting its malnourished, lousy head with its arm.
I found several reasons for self-victimization – woe is me!
- The job I have is so physically demanding
- I can't get a job that better matches my credentials, education, experience...
- My talents and skills can't find a home
That's when I saw the pattern. Whenever the GoMG attacked me, instead of looking it in the eye and saying, "no, that's not true," I protected my immature soul from its blows.
Recognizing this behavior, I stopped defending myself – "If I defend myself, I'm attacked," A Course In Miracles says.
Then I made myself a latte and offered to take my husband for a walk on his day off, since I'm so lucky to have free time to enjoy life.
How are you holding back by feeling like a victim?
Love,
Carolina
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