#415 – How could you let this happen?

You put all the guardrails in place and yet, the worst-case scenario comes to pass. You ruminate, where did I go wrong?

Since my son got arrested, every time I saw a pregnant woman radiant with ecstatic expectation, my first thought was, "you think you'll be able to protect them but you won't," followed by fear and a prayer, "Please, take care of them!"

And this morning, seeing a pregnant belly in a newspaper ad, I've realized that that's been the source of my frustration––I failed my baby.

The piano lessons, the Boy Scouts camps, the endless playing with the wooden train on his bedroom floor, the bedtime stories, the Fridays at the library, the children's theater, the healthful eating habits, the afternoons running around at the playground. None of that spared him from jail.

Where did I go wrong?

Riding back from the gym, I got the answer: that's my Ego speaking.

My Ego convinced me I had to take on its role in my son's life: to protect him at all costs. Limiting him, nudging him, tutoring him. My Ego tricked me into believing: "that's education!"

So, for the past 20 years and a half, I've been playing Ego, and for the past 10 months, I've been frustrated (physically clenching my jaw) because I failed.

And despite the realization, I kept pressing on. Until a few moments ago, my son told me, "you're speaking from your own anxiety. But I don't have that anxiety because I know it's all going to work out for me."

Thank you.

What controlling will you release so that you and others can grow in freedom?

Love,

Carolina