#427 – What will push you to bolt?

"Never underestimate our inclination to bolt when we hurt."

Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart.

On Saturday, I attended my first Underearners Anonymous meeting. And boy, did I want to bolt.

The "serenity prayer" (which I didn't know), the moderator speaking fast and matter-of-factly about the "steps and traditions," which I didn't understand, the "qualification," which I still don't understand. All that made me feel lost and that I didn't belong.

Of course I didn't belong!, my Ego and Ghosts said. They wanted me to get out of there because they know that if I stay and do the work, they'll lose their power over me.

I thought: "wow, I don't even know how to be an "addict!" As I heard people speak, I was trying to articulate a story to share. But the more I listened, the more I realized that the power may be in not articulating any story. The rawness is how the sharer gets empowered: like saying, "I've got nothing to hide, nothing to show."

My pattern then became clear to me: by always "articulating my story," I've been attempting to control what others saw of me.

But being in this space removed my ability to do that: I didn't know how to be in that meeting, and that was precisely what I needed to learn: to not know and be OK with it.

I realized I could bolt in two ways: stay invisible and never share, or perform what I imagined they expected. But because I didn't know what they expected, I couldn't perform. I could only be myself.

Through the truth, however uncomfortable, I'll disempower the disease of underearning, precisely because I don't know how to do it.

What will you learn when you stay despite your desire to leave?

Love,

Carolina