Be Simply Yourself 

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” (Lao Tzu)

How often we think comparison and competition is the way to win respect. Do we think others won’t look up to us unless we’re able to look down on them? The real question is: Why do we need to look up and down at all? Why not look yourself straight in the eye. Respect yourself. Just be who you are. The Tao Te Ching (Chapter 8) reminds us if you’re content to be simply yourself, others will respect you too.

At first glance, this quote seems to be about how to win the respect of other people. We’re told the way to do it is “don’t compare or compete.” However, on second glance it’s about how to be content. And the way to do that has nothing to do with other people. All you have to do is “be simply yourself.” This newsletter will explore why we often look outside ourselves for contentment, and at what I think Lao Tzu is getting at when he talks about being “content to be simply yourself.”

We all seek some level of peace and contentment. At times our lives can be hectic and stressful. We may put up with it for a bit but we don’t want things to be that way all the time. At the end of the day (or preferably before the end of the day) we want things to settle down; we’d like some peace and quiet. What is contentment, by the way? Let me suggest it is simply not wanting things to be anything other than the way they are.

It seems that whenever we want something we don’t have, we start to go looking for it on the assumption that it’s “out there” somewhere. We know it’s not here and now because, if it were, we wouldn’t be wanting it. So we start the search. And often the first place we look is to other people.

“I will be happy and content when I have the respect of other people,” we may say to ourselves. “I clearly don’t have the respect of other people because, if I did, then I’d be happy and content, wouldn’t I? And I’m not.” So, if we don’t think about it, this becomes the basis for our quest to win the respect of others. Here’s what happens next. We ask ourselves questions like: What is it that others esteem? What is it that they approve of? Then we say “I will do what it takes to be like that.” And off we go, striving to be something that we’re not.

Time to question this thinking. Lao Tzu can go first. “Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner” (chapter 9). Really? Why should that be?

Simple. Because of three assumptions none of which likely align with reality. First, that you know what other people will approve of. Second, that you can do whatever it takes to win their approval. Third, that other people won’t change their minds as to what they approve of. There’s also a fourth assumption but I’ll save that for later.

Here’s Lao Tzu commenting on the first assumption. “Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous!” (chapter 20). However, even if we did decide to be ridiculous and to value what others value, the third assumption shows us that seeking the approval of others is a never-ending game. What if they change their mind? Seriously. Chase the approval of others and you’re like a puppet on a string. You run this way and that way depending on what you think others approve of. Today it’s this. Tomorrow it’s that. Where to next?

That was Lao Tzu’s comment, now it’s my turn. Earlier we saw “I clearly don’t have the respect of other people because, if I did, then I’d be happy and content, wouldn’t I? And I’m not.” So here’s my comment.

Who says the respect of others, or rather the lack of it, is the reason for your lack of contentment? There could be many reasons for it. Are you really going to assume that winning the respect of others (remembering that it’s a moving target) is what it takes? So, there’s the fourth assumption – that winning the respect of others will in fact make you feel content. What if you’re wrong? All that work for nothing?

Okay. Let’s stop questioning and start building. What if the place to look for contentment is not outside at all? What if, when we look to win the approval of others, we’re looking in the wrong place? What if the only person whose respect you need is the one looking at you from the mirror? Hmm, that would change everything, wouldn’t it?

Does Lao Tzu’s Master go looking outside? “Thus the Master travels all day without leaving home. However splendid the views, she stays serenely in herself” (chapter 26). No, she doesn’t go looking outside. Our opening quote said “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete…” Both comparing and competing are outside jobs. The Master knows contentment is an inside job. That’s why “she stays serenely in herself.”

So why does Lao Tzu say if you “don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”? I think he says it not because respect is what you’re seeking. I think he says it because contentment is the point, not the respect of others. You find contentment the moment you stop looking for it outside. And, as far as respect is concerned, the only person you need respect from is yourself.

How do you respect yourself? Lao Tzu says “…be simply yourself.” Do this and not only will you be content but, he observes, it just so happens that other people will respect you too. Of course, that doesn’t really matter anymore because their respect is no longer the basis for your contentment.

An example that’s true for me is whenever I put off contentment to some other moment than the present one. Of course, like anyone else I have to-do lists and chores, as well as longer-term projects. But that doesn’t mean I have to pin my contentment on achieving something specific, somewhere, sometime in the future (regardless of whether or not others respect it). If life is a journey, then there are many opportunities to be content along the way. And none of them need to depend upon other people.

How about you? Do you find it easy to “…be simply yourself”? Do you catch yourself wondering what others will think? And, if you do, do you let it influence you?

In case you think this sounds selfish, let me close by saying I don’t think being centered in yourself is the same as being self-centered or selfish. Being self-centered is all about trying to arrange the outside world (including other people) to make you content. To be centered in yourself is to be aware that contentment is an inside job, i.e., your job and nobody else’s.

I’ll give the last word to Lao Tzu. “The Master does his job and then stops… Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him” (chapter 30).

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Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share this newsletter.

Francis

IN OTHER NEWS...

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In Harmony with the Tao: A Guided Journey into the Tao Te Ching is available here. There Is No Somewhere Else: Insights from the Tao Te Ching is available here.

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