Those days were the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
I was hysterical.
I was shaking in anger but all I can do was cry.
Wala akong lakas.
Gusto ko syang sampalin, saktan at suntukin hanggang dumugo ang pisngi nya.
Para kahit papano he could also feel the pain.
I even felt insulted coz I felt like he's unaffected.
I just can't accept the fact na hindi pala perfect ang relationship na binuo namin.
I have never imagined darating sa point na he would cheat on me.
This happened last 2019... eight (8) months postpartum.
LDR kami because of his profession.
And when he had the chance to have passes (break from his work in PNP), don na kami nakapag usap face to face.
He just smiled and hugged me habang umiiyak ako sa galit.
I punched him on his chest while weeping and wailing...
"Bakit mo nagawa sakin yun? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" I asked.
I just really couldn't understand at that moment why he cheated on me when all along... within our 7 years of relationship... I knew he loved me dearly.
And I felt like I have done everything not only for him... but also for our baby.
I had lots of questions running through my head.
I asked repeatedly like...
Is she prettier and mas hot ba?
Am I no longer pretty just because I’m now a mom?
Is she better on bed?
What’s with her that’s not with me?
Naisip mo rin ba ako while doing it with her?
Am I not yet enough?
Paano nyo ginawa? Sinong on top?
Saan nyo ginawa?
San kayo nagkakilala?
And much more!
Familiar ba ?
Nakaka baliw di ba?
What's worst is... I felt like he's not willing to answer everything.
And he even gets angry each time I asked.
I felt like for him... my feelings doesn't matter anymore.
And I felt like I no longer have the right to ask.
And the most painful part is when I felt like he's blaming me why it happened.
So I asked myself...
"Kasalanan ko ba talaga?"
"Ginawa ko naman lahat ah!"
"Ano pa ba ang kulang?"
"Maayos pa kaya kami?"
"Paano ko sya mapapatawad?"
"Paano ko makakalimutan ang ginawa nya?"
"How will I trust again?"
"What if maulit ulit?"
Pa ulit2x na tanong to the point na feeling ko noon paranoid na ako.
Ang dami kong fears and why's.
Tapos nung una, nawalan ako ng ganang kumain...
But months passed, kumain ako ng kumain until sa mas lalo pa nga akong tumaba.
Kaya ang dating confident and "feeling sexy" na FJ ay nawala.
Nagmumukmok sa kwarto and feeling like kalaban ang lahat ng tao na makita.
Worst is... puro kapamilya nya ang kasama.
That's why I felt like it was between me and the whole world.
Then, I kept my distance.
Nagkukulong sa kwarto at don ulit tutulala.
And there would be times I would fake a smile when I'm outside the room para di lang malaman ng family nya what I'm battling inside.
We agreed not to tell anyone.
Ayoko rin namang masira sya.
And mas lalo na kasi iniisip ko non, baka sisihin pa nila ako sa nangyari.
Sisihin na baka dahil di ako perfect sa paningin nila.
My self-esteem went rock bottom.
That's why I kept my dilemma even from my very own family.
Despite the pain, I thought I faced my inner battles alone successfully.
Until one day...
I almost killed myself.
Looking back, I realized the deadly emotional and mental torture I battled after learning about his betrayal never left my system.
Not to mention... I had C-section pa so the physical pain was an addition.
And because the wounds from post-partum and betrayal were all fresh...
...I was easily triggered by his actions and even became a detective to satisfy my questions.
Fact is... I was deeply hurt because I never expected his betrayal would happen.
I never expected it because I never doubted his love to me.
Then, I was so busy taking care of our baby.
I was also busy at night as a work at home mom dahil online ESL teacher ako at that time.
Plus... sobra2x ang trust ko sa kanya na mahal nya ako.
Syempre, mahal na mahal ko rin sya.
At kahit na pulis siya at maraming babae ang kalandian nya or lumalandi sa kanya, I trusted his promise na ako lang ang babae sa buhay nya.
Looking back... I remember crying in front of our baby.
I told Ethan I just wanna get lost or maybe pwede nya ko samahan para sabay na kaming mag evaporate sa earth.
I still really thank God until today na di ko nagawa ang masama kong balak noon.
Fast forward today, I realized ganon pala ka severe ang depression ko back then kasi pati sarili naming anak napag isipan ko ng ganun.
I realized that infidelity/cheating mixed with Post Partum Depression (PPD) is a very serious issue most moms face nowadays.
That's why we can hear moms taking their children's lives too.
I have to be honest ...
I know from experience it’s never easy.
That's why I founded Godly Builders.
Thus, the birth of the "Healing After Cheating Program."
It's a step-by-step guide for all Depressed Cheated Women like I was.
Again, there are lots of women out there who are suffering from their husband's affair.
Even lots of beautiful and famous celebrities.
But I want to be clear on this...
Holistic Healing After Cheating is possible.
And... it's truly rewarding.
Remember this:
Mending a broken heart, mind and spirit and... rebuilding your Broken Trust and confidence is a gift from above.
I simply want to give you this hope before you start your journey towards Healing after Cheating.
In my next email, I’ll share to you my Survival Tip.
E add mo na rin ako sa contacts mo para di maligaw ang mga messages ko and... for you to receive more tips and inspiration.
God bless you! ^_^
To your peace and joy,
FJ “The Godly Builder” Lapera
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