Nung gabing nalaman ko na nagloko sya, I felt like pinag sakluban ako ng langit at lupa...
Tulala habang umaagos ang luha at nanginginig sa galit dahil sa malaking katotohanang sumampal sa pagkatao ko.
Because finally, I discovered na hindi pa pala ako naging enough for him to make love sa iba.
This happened last 2019... eight (8) months postpartum.
LDR kami because of his profession.
And when he had the chance to have passes (break from his work in PNP), we talked it out.
Pero during that time, parang wala lang sa kanya ang betrayal.
He just smiled and hugged me habang umiiyak ako sa galit.
I punched him on his chest while weeping and wailing...
"Bakit mo nagawa sakin yun? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" I asked.
I just really couldn't understand at that moment why he cheated on me when all along... within our 7 years of relationship... I knew he loved me dearly.
And I believe I have done everything not only for him... but also for our baby.
I had lots of questions running through my head.
I asked repeatedly like...
Is she prettier and mas hot ba?
Am I no longer pretty just because I’m now a mom?
Is she better on bed?
What’s with her that’s not with me?
Naisip mo rin ba ako while doing it with her?
Am I not yet enough?
Paano nyo ginawa? Sinong on top?
Saan nyo ginawa?
San kayo nagkakilala?
And much more!
Familiar ba ?
Nakaka baliw di ba?
What's worst is... I felt like he's NOT willing to answer everything.
And he even gets angry each time I asked.
I felt like for him... my feelings doesn't matter anymore.
And I felt like I no longer have the right to ask.
And the most painful part is when I felt like he's blaming me why it happened.
So I asked myself...
"Kasalanan ko ba talaga?"
"Ginawa ko naman lahat ah!"
"Tinulungan ko pa nga sya emotionally and financially lalo na ng mga panahong kailangang kailangan nya."
"Ano pa ba ang kulang?"
"Maayos pa kaya kami?"
"Paano ko sya mapapatawad?"
"Paano ko makakalimutan ang ginawa nya?"
"How will I trust again?"
"What if maulit ulit?"
Ang daming tanong non sa isip ko.
Pa ulit2x na tanong to the point na feeling ko ang tanga ko na.
Tapos nung una, nawalan ako ng ganang kumain...
But months passed, kumain ako ng kumain until sa mas lalo pa nga akong tumaba.
Kaya ang dating confident and "feeling sexy" na FJ ay wala na.
Nagmumukmok sa kwarto and feeling like kalaban ang lahat ng tao na makita lalo pa at puro kapamilya nya ang kasama sa bahay.
I kept my distance.
There would be times I would fake a smile para di lang malaman ng family nya what I'm battling inside.
I agreed not to tell anyone.
Ayoko rin namang masira sya.
And mas lalo na kasi iniisip ko non, baka sisihin nila ako sa nangyari.
I even kept it from my family.
Despite the pain, I thought I faced my inner battles alone successfully.
Until one day...
I almost killed myself.
I realized the extreme emotional and mental torture I felt after learning about his betrayal never left my system. Not to mention... I had C-section pa so the physical pain was also there.
And because the wounds were all fresh... I was easily triggered by his actions and even became a detective to satisfy my questions.
Fact is... I was deeply hurt because I never expected his betrayal would happen.
I never expected it because I was so busy taking care of our baby.
I was also busy at night as a work at home mom dahil online ESL teacher ako at that time.
Plus... sobra2x ang trust ko sa kanya na mahal nya ako.
Syempre, mahal na mahal ko rin nga sya.
At kahit na pulis siya at maraming babae ang kalandian nya or lumalandi sa kanya, I TRUSTED his promise na ako lang ang babae sa buhay nya.
Looking back... I remember crying in front of my baby and telling Ethan I just wanna get lost or maybe pwede nya ko samahan para sabay na kaming mag EVAPORATE sa earth.
Fast forward today, I realized ganon na pala ka severe ang DEPRESSION ko para pati sarili kong anak napag isipan ko pa ng masama.
I realized that infidelity/cheating mixed with Post Partum Depression (PPD) is a very serious issue most moms face that's why we can hear moms killing their own children too.
Alam mo kung bakit naging grabe ang depression ko ?
Kasi wala akong napag sabihan ng problema ko.
But you know what?
I now realized, I also had lapses!
Because my mistake was... I really intended not to share my problem.
I kept it to myself.
I realized I should have opened up to someone trustworthy para di na ako sumabog.
And I also realized, most cheated moms have this suicidal thoughts because most of the time... wala talaga silang mapag sabihan ng problema nila.
They feel like they’re all alone.
And they feel like no one would also understand them.
Thinking if they’ll open up, people would JUDGE them na may malaking pagkukulang sila kaya nag cheat ang husband nila.
I’m not sure if you exactly felt the same.
Or if naka relate ka kahit konti sa mga pinagdaanan ko.
Well, you’re lucky if you haven’t experienced an inch of pain.
Because I’m sure that most Depressed Cheated Women especially Moms feel this way.
Back then... I even had so much FEARS.
I was AFRAID to forgive him.
Because what if he’ll just do it again and again?
Kasi nga... sabi ng marami...
"Cheaters will always be cheaters!"
And each time I tried to start the phase of forgiving him, I went back to
that PAIN that’s consuming me.
TRUST WAS BROKEN.
TRUST WAS DIFFICULT TO BUILD.
TRUST WAS EVERYTHING TO ME.
But I have a good news to you !
By God's grace... nakaya ko lampasan lahat ng yun.
And I tell you now, that same TRUST was also the same thing that helped me successfully conquer all the pain that I had been through.
But now... it’s a different TRUST.
It’s the TRUST that God allowed everything for good.
It’s the TRUST that He will always be with me.
But I have to be honest...
I know from experience that it’s NEVER EASY.
And that led me to founding the GODLY BUILDERS.
Thus, the birth of the "Healing After Cheating (HAC) Program."
It's a step-by-step guide for all Depressed Cheated Women like I was.
Lalo na if isa kang mommy kagaya ko.
It's simply for these moms to have the blueprint to their personal Healing After Cheating journey to experience freedom from pain, redeem their peace of mind , trust themselves again and of course, find inner joy and happiness not only for themselves but for their family as well.
Again, there are lots of women out there who are suffering from their husband's affair.
Lots of beautiful and famous women.
But I want to be clear on this...
I want you to know that there’s a woman who survived the same kind of depression and trauma of betrayal.
That mending a broken heart and rebuilding the BROKEN TRUST is definitely possible.
That even a better and stronger relationship is possible after his betrayal even if sumuko ka na and... even if iniwan mo pa siya like I what I did.
I simply want to give you this hope before you start in your journey towards Healing after Cheating.
And hey!
Masyado na pala mahaba ang story ko noh?
But I hope it reminded you how important it is to conquer your depression after infidelity FAST.
Kasi hindi lang buhay mo ang nakasalalay dito.
Pati rin buhay ng mga anak mo.
And remember....
As a woman, you're The Light and The Godly Builder of your home.
That's why I know na malalampasan mo rin ang ganitong stage kagaya ko.
In my next email, I’ll share to you my SURVIVAL TIP.
E add mo na rin ako sa contact list dito sa email mo para di maligaw ang mga messages ko and... for you to receive my message directly in your inbox.
God bless you! ^_^
To your peace and joy,
FJ “The Godly Builder” Lapera
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