Do You Care Too Much About How You Feel?
Jan 29, 2022 8:11 pm
Hope you are having a good start to the weekend,
I haven't kept my fandom for the Buffalo Bills a secret, so you might imagine this weekend feels a little different for me without the Bills playing. Our future is bright, but the failure stings. So writing an article on how they may best respond to this adversity was therapeutic for me. Hopefully for you too.
But before that I have a video for you on a big but natural mistake we make as emotional human beings. I think we care too much about how we feel. Watch below.
Best,
Dr E
P.S. - If you'd like some help with any emotions holding you back, I'd love to help you. Check out my tele-health services here.
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Do You Care Too Much About How You Feel?
Do you care too much about how you feel? So much so that it hurts how you play?
Let me start by saying I respect your emotions. You may have trauma. You may have been wronged. It isn’t fair. You care so much about that result that I get why your are nervous.
But where is all that emotion getting you?
Again, I am NOT saying you don’t have a right to feel this way. In fact, you probably have EVERY right to feel this way!
But being right isn’t enough.
Being right doesn’t get results.
Is it possible that by being right, and holding on to, and paying attention to, and acting out of these feelings is hurting you?
Does your fear of failure cause you to avoid taking risks and then not play to your potential in games?
Does your discomfort with the task cause you to procrastinate so that it doesn’t get done and you fall behind?
Does your anger cloud your judgement so you get revenge at the cost of a penalty that hurts your team and chances of winning in the process?
Does the embarrassment of making a mistake cause you to blame someone or something else and not learn from it, costing you an opportunity to improve?
What would happen if you were willing to feel these bad feelings and rather then act out to feel better, shifted your priority to acting to perform better?
Imagine how much better you would be if you cared more about what you did than how you felt.
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How Do You Respond to Failure?
After a spectacular season, my Buffalo Bills fell short of their Championship goal. So many amazing moments and accomplishments throughout the season and in the playoffs, it is not a complete failure. But as an athlete, how do you handle such a devastating loss?
I imagine the players and coaches in Buffalo will do something like this and S.E.E. their way through it.
S - Separate from the emotion and not act out in anger, sadness, or frustration. Emotions after a mistake or when the season abruptly ends are going to be high and irrational, as they should be. When we are in this emotional state we are not capable of making good decisions about the future (or even the present moment). Be mindful and observe what is as it is: your feelings, the thoughts you are having, your urges. Be sure you are connected but distant from them. Observing them and not acting from them. Then …
E - Embrace them. This is the opposite of what we often try to do, which is to push them aside, stuff them and quickly move on with false acceptance like “well it is what it is, you gotta move on.” Yes, eventually, but not right away. Embrace the emotions and make space for the reality of your disappointment. Your pain is the other side of the love and care you have for the game, your teammates and the outcome. This should hurt. Your pain respects the work you put in and it is valid. Only then can you …
E - Evaluate what to do next. The season is done and after you have allowed yourself to process it by Separation and then Embracing, you will find a space will open up inside you where your values are clear. Self-compassion for your pain will provide comfort and clear thinking for you to decide what to do next based on your goals and what is important to you. You will be able to do this with a clear mind and positive motivation for the future.
It is through acceptance of the failure that you can learn from it, move through it, and be better because of it.
And this is what I expect the Bills will do over the next few weeks. Feel the pain of the disappointment. Recognize the growth and improvements they had this season as individuals and a team. Identify where they can be better to move them closer to a Super Bowl Championship and work diligently at that.
🥇If you want to use your failures and disappointments to make you better, join me inside Success Stories Membership.
Success Stories Membership is my online community for high achievers like you who want to overcome anxiety, doubt, and a lack of motivation to perform at a consistently high level. This community uses an athletic mindset but is appropriate for athletes and non-athletes alike. You just have to want to get better.
Doors are open at: https://dreddieoconnor.com/membership.
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Dr. Eddie O’Connor
