Sport parents, this one is for you
Feb 23, 2023 2:06 pm
Hello,
Last week I offered some perspectives for athletes to decrease the pressure they felt in not wanting to disappoint their parents.
This week, I have some suggestions for the parents.
... and tune into the Sports Project Radio Show at 10:30am on Saturday as I join Steve Project on 94.9 Jethro FM (99.5 in Lowell; 105.1 Kalamazoo; 98.9 Ostego-Plainwell; or 1530AM and 980AM) to discuss the best sport parenting practices so you can help reduce your child's anxiety and improve their love of the game.
Enjoy,
Dr. Eddie
***
Parents, you can do a lot to help your athlete's anxiety, especially when they are afraid to disappoint you.
You may have found that reassuring them that you aren't disappointed, that it doesn't matter to you if they win or lose and "you can quit of you want!" hasn't worked.
That's because if your actions and words are inconsistent, people believe the actions. So what do your actions and reactions communicate to your child?
For example, how much do you celebrate wins? Are there extra rewards, or hugs, or treats after a win? Is your mood brighter, your energy higher, and your attitude more positive and playful with your child after a win? Kids easily learn that winning has lots of benefits in your relationship!
Especially if you compare that to your reactions after losses. Is there a tense, quiet car ride home (or even worse, a discussion of what they could have done better)? Do you skip the ice cream? Is the mood somber and are you more quiet following a loss? Kids may be worried about what you are thinking of them in that silence.
I encourage you to let your kids own their sport and outcomes. Sometimes as parents we can take the wins and losses personally.
I'm not saying you can't enjoy the game as a fan would, like we do with professional sports teams. But highly identified fans will let their team's wins and losses affect their moods. Pro athletes aren't hurt by your disappointment. But our kids are when we react to their performances emotionally and respond differently to them based on outcome.
The best thing you can do as a sport parent is be consistent in your behavior after the game independent of the outcome. Hug them (win or lose), tell them you love them (win or lose), go out for a treat (win or lose) and let the fun and enjoyment of the sport experience be independent of the outcome.
Then your kids will be less afraid of disappointing you.
***
Let me share with you the best "parent scripts" to support your child-athletes. These phrases will improve confidence, ease anxiety, and promote enjoyment.
Before a game:
- "Have fun."
- "Play hard."
- "I love you."
*Note that these statements communicate your priority (fun and enjoyment), your values (good effort), and unconditional love and acceptance independent of performance.
After a game:
- "Did you have fun?"
- "I'm proud of you."
- "I love you."
*By first asking if they had fun (rather than "did you win?") you strongly model what;'s most important ( ... and don't worry, they will 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 tell you who won without having to ever ask). Kids want to make you proud, so be specific in naming a behavior you want to reinforce like effort, sportsmanship, or rebounding from a mistake. Hearing "I love you" every time, but especially after a loss, supports the child. They can never hear it too much.
... but if these six are too much to remember, then I've got one special sentence that covers it all:
- "I love to watch you play."
*Notice how this statement communicates your enjoyment of simply watching them play the game regardless of the outcome and without performance expectations.
This messaging will decrease the pressure on your child and reduce their fear of disappointing you.
***
Parents, is your child struggling with anxiety? Sport presents a unique set of challenges and pressures. As a sport psychologist, I can help your child handle this stress in a way that improves both mental health and sport performance. Click here for more on 1:1 consulting.
***
Dr. Eddie O’Connor
