How to Stop Sabotaging Your Success
Sep 17, 2021 12:57 am
Hi,
One of the great things about Success Stories Membership is the community of high-achievers willing to share their knowledge and support one another.
The article below is a great example of this, written by one of our members, David Levin, a psychotherapist in Lancaster, PA. This really helps in my work with high-performers like you, who struggle with consistency.
And sport parents - I've got a great video for you below. The three roles you play to maximize your child's success and happiness.
Best,
Dr. Eddie
Sabotage?
"Often performers make some progress, then revert back to old patterns. Or they barely get going, but the going goes nowhere. 'I keep sabotaging myself' is a lament we have all heard many times. Sabotage implies that we sneaks up on ourselves to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory; that every time we just about get it right, we implode.
Instead of 'sabotage,' I prefer to think that what happens is we get too close to our identity. A person can act out of character only so long before she snaps back to the behaviors consistent with her identity, or self-concept.
The behavior itself might be healthy and adaptive, but if it doesn’t fit in with our self-concept, it won’t last. Sometimes new behaviors do stick, but if they don’t, a good place to look for the regression is in our self-concept. To illustrate: if I’m convinced that I’m a loser at tennis, but my skills develop and I start to win, I’ll quickly find new ways to lose. It’s not sabotage, it’s just that I need to develop my identity to accept that I can be a winner.
Ideas and behaviors live in an internal ecological system of other ideas and behaviors. A change in one component has to fit in with the rest. If we adopt a behavior that puts us in a new position in life, our identity could feel threatened by the change. Healthy behaviors don’t fit well with an unhealthy identity.
That’s why I reframe 'sabotage.' It’s just a behavioral change that strayed too far from the identity. Identity said, “Nope, we can’t do that.” To me, that’s not sabotage. It’s getting the information we need to move ahead with work on the client’s self-concept."
Visit www.dreddieoconnor.com/membership to see how Success Stories Membership can help you get out of your own way and develop an identity that expects success.
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How to Be a Great Sport Parent
The best sport parenting practices consist of three behaviors. These roles are unique to parents, and while they may not be as fun or exciting as sideline coaching - they are roles that only you as a sport parent can play.
First, parents are providers of a young athlete’s sport experience. In the early years, this translates to introducing kids to various sports, supporting them financially and logistically, and giving them informational support in training and competition. Often, this translates to the more challenging role as the provider of emotional support, admiration, and reinforcement of positive behaviors.
Second, parents serve as interpreters of their child’s sport experience. What you believe in as parents (e.g., the priorities you set and what you value) gets transmitted to your kids. If you think their talent is a natural gift or product of hard work will influence your child’s motivation, how they respond to adversity and what they think about themselves. Parental values regarding the benefits of competitive sport and the necessary psychological characteristics for improving can fast track a young athlete’s development and positive coping responses. Negative beliefs, doubts and criticisms do the opposite.
Third, parents are role models. Kids are always watching and listening. They how you talk about coaches and how you respond to your mistakes as well as theirs. Be what you want them to be in and out of sport. Demonstrate work ethic by training for your own road race, setting and committing to training goals. Be calm when watching sports and respect the referees and coaches. Be honest in all things. Model sportsmanship and don’t cheer when opponents made an error. Compliment good plays on both sides. Let the kids solve adversity themselves; ask their opinion of challenging situations to develop their sense of competence, autonomy, and independence.
Check out “The Psychology of Performance: How to Be Your Best in Life” at www.thegreatcourses.com/dreddieoconnor for the 23rd lesson, “How to Be a Great Sport Parent” and 23 other sport psychology topics that will help you excel in every role.
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Dr. Eddie O’Connor
