10 Fun Ways to Invest Your Trump Account

Jan 13, 2026 2:26 pm

Before we start, free Fantasy novels. This post originally appeared first in my Investment Substack.

As we know, Trump and Dell just gave American children a bunch of money to invest so I thought it would be fun to make a list that is completely antithetical to the ideology of the providers of the money. Now, let me be perfectly clear, should you do any of these in real life, you may lose all the money, owe money to a guy who will break your legs, go to prison, or are just gambling with your kid’s money. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

1. Donate it entirely to Moveon.org! Nothing says thank you to a politician than using the money to fund their political rivals!

2. Invest it in entirely in stocks like Oatley and Beyond Burger, nothing says we care about the environment more than a bunch of tree hugging oat milk drinking hippies. Take that environmental deregulator in chief!

3. Fund a Coyote sneaking immigrants past the wall. Though I don’t know why they would want to come here. I was vacationing in Mexico recently and saw a bunch of tee-shirts that said “Don’t Panic! You’re on the fun side of Trump’s wall.” Touché t-shirt guy. Touché.

4. Invest entirely in Trump’s hotel chain competitor: Marriott. I had to ask ChadGPT to help me write this one because I don’t know anything about luxury hotels. Nothing says how much you want to thank the administration, by funding their rivals.

5. Buy HP stock. I don’t know much about Dell politics but I suppose they’ll get caught in the cross fire too.

6. Buy stock in the most liberal company you can think of, which is um…. Chad, what is the most liberal company?

Chad: By employee donations to liberal causes, it’s Netflix.

Hollywood are kombucha drinking, sandal wearing liberals? Totally tracks.

7. Buy Gavin Newsom’s Trump Corruption Coin. Sounds like you can make your political voice heard loud and clear and lose all your money by investing in a meme coin! Oh boy!

8. Buy Coty because the CEO is an openly transgender women. Nothing says I agree more like demanding unisex bathrooms, especially in coffee shops, because do we really need to have men and women’s bathrooms in single use rooms with locking doors?

9. Update: Sell Coty and buy United Therapeutics because Coty’s CEO stepped down while I was writing this thing and it’s so hard to keep track these days because I’m just a clueless cisgender white guy that I say we invent a new pronoun. Ei. He/she/they. Let’s just use ei and simplify pronoun usage.

10. Buy stock in Kura Sushi. This one is a more subtle approach for those who are truly worried about America sliding into an autocracy. Doing things like donating to moveon.org would get you in the gulag if we ever truly make it to an autocratic government. Where as investing in fish seems neutral, but Trump hates raw fish, now that’s a way to smugly give your middle finger to the establishment and always keep the middle finger when the secret police come around.

Books to Consider: