Hello,

You are getting this email because you won a prize from me. If you want to get weekly humor from me like the sample email below and another free book grab yourself a copy of Time Burrito, the wacky adventure about time traveling for a perfect burrito.

If you enjoyed any of the free books you got from me, don't forget to rate and review.

This will be the last time you hear from me. Unless of course you decide to download your copy of Time Burrito.

Before we start, I invited authors who write Comedy And (comedy and another genre) to giveaway their books for free.

In celebration of the release of The Gladiator Journalist and Other Murderous Flora, I wanted to share with you, important life lessons I learned from playing DnD as a kid.

1.   Home invasions are an acceptable form to resolve conflict so long as their alignment is evil. Ridding a lair of Lawful/Evil Kobolds can be grueling work for that young adventurer, but that guy at the pub said it was okay to invade their home murder all the ones of fighting age (Heck throw in the elderly and the children too. No one will know, and you’re the good guys. It says so on your character sheet). Nothing forges that 5E Kobold wizard player character by coming home to find everyone they’ve ever known murdered by adventurers who did it for a keg of ale.

2.   Wizards have way too much time on their hands. Instead of just annihilating anyone who comes close to a wizard’s all powerful rod, or better yet storing the item in a boobytrapped room located in the Abyss surrounded by all powerful cosmic player character killing machines, how about breaking that rod into seven parts? Then scatter those parts throughout the land in puzzle rooms with intricate but solvable level appropriate traps. Gotta make them earn that rod somehow.

3.   Most cave systems have elaborate puzzle rooms. Being that wizards with too much time on their hands either like carving dungeons into the earth or have something against spelunkers, the chances that you’ll be in a room filling with water, and electrified eels is pretty high. Luckily, any good caver knows to bring scuba equipment and a diversified party who skills somehow are perfect for the situation, even that guy with the unusually high Lore Skill.

4.   Esoteric skills will save your life. Being fully fluent in a language that hasn’t been spoken in 3k years, and knowing the myths of an unrelated 6k years long gone dead civilization will always come in handy when you are in a room filling up with water full of electrified eels. The shut off switch on a tablet with 64 glyphs that not only require fluency in a dead language but knowledge of an unrelated culture too as you need to pick the one of the God of Eels and Goddess of the Sea mating that strangely resembles Japanese tentacle porn. Why the wizard with too much time on their hands couldn’t just make an “off” switch, we’ll never know.

5.   Random people will give you money to haul shit. Usually, people loitering on a street offering you cash to pick up an unmarked paper bag from a Waffle House bathroom should be suspect, but DnD tells me that fetching random shit for people can bring in some serious gold pieces. Next time someone offers to pay me to take a mysterious package onto a plane, all I need to do is shrug and say, “seems to work in DnD.”

6.   Prison cells always have a means of escape. The next time you are brought in on drug charges from picking up a mysterious package from a Waffle House bathroom, don’t fret! Prison cells always have a loose block with a secret switch, or glyph pattern that must be recited in the proper order to escape. The kooky wizards with too much time on their hands sometimes lock themselves inside their own cells, so it’s convenient to have a way out in case that happens. I’m sure modern prisons have the same failsafe for when that hapless guard locks himself inside the cell and accidentally lets the serial killer out on family visit day.

7.   All your weapons are stored in the room down the hall from your prison cell guarded by hapless guards. The next time the Coast Guard brings you in for dumping the bodies of your enemies in international waters, just know that the bazooka, fifteen machine guns, and dirty nuclear weapon will be down the hall being ignored by four men playing a card game. Pending on whether it’s the nuclear weapon or the machine gun you can get to first with your Sneak skill honed by years of garroting people for a Russian oligarch it’s bound to be a good escape.

8.   As long as you have enough hit points, you can survive anything! 100-foot drop? No problem! I’m a level 20 Fighter with Second Wind! Stream of lava? Who’s up for a swim! So go ahead and take that nap in the Tesla, I’m sure what obliterates mere mortals when the car careens out of control into an oncoming plane followed by a tsunami will barely dent you. I mean you survived a twenty-story tall demon’s whip! Tsunamis should be no problem.

9.   Villages always need saving. While dragons, goblins stealing crops, and rust monsters attacking tractors aren’t really threatening small town American life these days. There is GLOBALIZATION, and IMMIGRATION, don’t forget VACCINATION, AND CONTRAILS, FLAT EARTH, and PARROTS. Next time you’re at that gas station/restaurant/town hall/chapel/public school house/multipurpose only building in main street all-in-one town meeting spot with three locals all discussing crop yields, who don’t drink any of that fancy crap you tried to order, and you got your choice of coffee or sugar and maybe 20-year-old creamer if you’re lucky, you can tell them in a gruff adventurer voice, “Don’t worry, I’m here to take care of your parrot problem.”

10. Dangerous monsters live in caves. The next time you’re out hiking don’t bring bear spray or a snake bite kit or any sort of sensible precautions, just bring that massive Final Fantasy VII sword replica, and charge into that grizzly den screaming your head off. If you survive the mauling, your video will probably go viral, and even though the local villagers probably didn’t ask you to take care of their grizzly problem, you saw the sign warning you of it being bear country. People put their monster notices on signposts. Right?

If this made you laugh, share it with a friend. If you want to support the work that I do and get more laughs, consider purchasing any of the books in this email.

Making bills and earnin’ like a baller with l33tskillz4va’s crypto fast cash is not what happens in this book!

But there are killer trees and bloody arena battles. What more could you want? Except sex. That happens too.

It also resolves plot points like certain characters stuck in a painting and what's Petra’s mom doin’ at that volcano, yo!

I mean I guess there’s stuff like personal character growth and human connection and all that warm, squishy stuff.

But did I mention sex that happens in this book, and magic, swords, battle axes, battles, and plenty limbs being chopped off?

Oh yeah, it’s all in the third Misfits of Carnt!