Before we start, Free Fantasy Books! And then some free Sci Fi and Fantasy Books!

Now that stores set up their Christmas displays in August, it’s time for some holiday gift ideas for that awkward office party that happens every year. Only some of these will get you fired, arrested, or murdered by the mob (don’t say we didn’t warn you).

1.  Schrödinger's cat – Is it alive? Is it dead? Open the box and find out!

2.  Condoms – This one has some versatility. If they don’t know it was you, just kick back and watch an awkward event become even more uncomfortable. If they know it was you, there are several options depending on who opened it. You could say, “Oh you got the balloon animal kit. I really wanted that one. Gee Willakers.” Or you could say, “Freezer popsicle kit! Awesome!” or “We all know what you and Marsha have been doing in the bathrooms. Its for your safety.” Or just give the coworker a creepy smile and nod to the next room, though that last one will probably land you in HR. 

3.  White Elephant Rock Candy Meth – Nothing will cause hoots of laughter with a little rock candy that looks like meth cooked up in Walter White’s lab. But they won’t be laughing at you very long because you’ll suggest they all eat a piece at the same time. As you scratch your face to the point of near bleeding ingesting the morsel you’ll say in a dark voice, “One of them is real meth and the Narcan is in one of the unopened gifts. Let the white elephant begin.” Bonus if you come dressed as the Joker.

4.  Smoking Cessation Gum – Bonus if when it’s opened you don’t even wait to steal it. Just grab it, eat a piece, and breathe a deep sigh of relief.

5.  Prescription Pain Killers – Then when people look at you awkwardly you can say, “Do you know the street value of this stuff? You can sell it if you don’t like it!”

6.  Smoky the Bear – Not the cute forest fire prevention character created by the US Forest Service but a portly male stripper who smells like stale cigarettes.

7.  A Suitcase Full of Cash – If you’re going for the most stolen gift, this is the one. Who wouldn’t want a suitcase full of unmarked, non-sequential bills? If you really want to spice this one up you, can always attach a bloody handcuff to a severed arm to the case.

8.  Pictures of Your Family – Then when someone opens it, you can say in a meek voice, “You can be in my family too.”

9.  Mugs with Vaguely Sexual Innuendo – You can get custom mugs made with phrases like “Let’s Blow It!” or “Grip the Banana!” When people look quizzically, explain that blow jobs are a reference to sales and bananas are an analogy for money.

10.      Key Evidence in a Murder Trial – This gift is perfect for a lawyer’s office or police precinct. Just imagine the fun they’ll have trying to be the person who cracks the case. Just don’t tell them how you got it and remember to wash your hands.

11.      Inappropriately Religiously Undertoned Gifts – I’m not talking angels or Santa or the more acceptably religiously undertoned gifts. This is fire and brimstone kinda stuff. If you ever feel like there is just way too much DEI around your office and you’re tempted to pass legislation to ban saying DEI because uttering the phrase spawns demons from the deepest darkest pits of hell, this gift idea is for you! After your coworker opens the gift that clearly shows where you think most of them are going in the afterlife and an awkward silence passes over the room, you can make it even more awkward by staring down your coworkers of different religious beliefs and saying, “We all know the reason for the season.”

12.      Your Coworkers Employee Evaluations – Always a winner!

If you enjoy this post, maybe you’ll enjoy this book:

Every time a bell rings, an elf gets his Glock.

Read Xmas Elf: Secret Agent Today!

Book Swaps

The following authors are kindly sharing my books with their readers. Show them some love and click on their links.

A smuggler in the wrong place. An ancient alien technology. Now, everyone is after him.

Read Galaxy's Most Wanted today!

“This is not a drill!”

Read Euphrates Vanished today!

Monroe Academy was built to separate the weak from the strong.

Read the Descendants series today!

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