I recently engaged in a deep conflict with my spouse. It felt like our relationship was on the line and my desire to communicate openly and honestly seemed to be ignored. For days, we navigated each other with distance. After a week, I began to fume with my hurt turning towards anger and frustration. I had had ENOUGH! I reiterated my need for them to communicate and be honest with me and, after 3 more days of my pleading, they wrote me a letter.
On a piece of full-scap lined paper and with a blue, ball pointed pen, somehow, they found a way to connect with their true feelings and share what they were thinking. Funnily enough, they took a picture of the letter and texted it to me. . .a hybrid communication medium that obviously did the trick of unlocking their feelings while also communicating to me efficiently.
What does this brief glimpse into my private life have to do with the questions of how do you measure success, you ask?
For one, letter writing is a lost art and for many of us who grew up in the middle of the digital transformation, it's important for us to recognize that the physical act of writing may give us comfort and provide a healthy way for us to connect with our feelings. I know this is not true for everyone but, for my spouse, this realization has unlocked them in a new ways. . .they even bought themselves a journal ; )
Perhaps greater though is the question of whether our relationship was actually on the line or just being overshadowed by my spouse's measure of success. The feelings they expressed showed me they were stressed at work and that was muddying their ability to be honest about how they were feeling as my partner.
The entire situation has taught me many things but the question I am most asking myself now is: how do I view my own success? To be measured by my job title and salary alone is unfair. It cannot properly reflect all that I bring to the table. It is also completely unfair for my spouse to feel that way but the expectations of others are strong and the cultural normatives we try to align ourselves can with make it difficult.
In most job interviews, title and salary are of paramount importance to both the employer and prospective employee but what counts to a person's life are things like: a right fit, purpose, work/life balance, happiness and authenticity, among others.
The success my spouse and I have built with each other is not just our finances and our professional stature. In fact, when we are at our most vulnerable, neither of those things measure up. It is how we fit each other, whether we are happy and honest with each other that counts.
The same is true in your life. Don’t let the expectations of others influence the way you measure your success. It’s a lie. Success itself is a lie. To be successful, you must have a measure and only you can choose the one that best fits you.
Have a bigger salary and a flashy job title but it won’t count the way knowing yourself will. The greatest success stories of our time leave this earth the same way they came; without money or title. (Even the Queen of England left earth this way!)
Build your life around your passionate purpose and you will be a success,
Amber (a.k.a. The Feisty PM)
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