14 Rajab 1444 A.H 

Give your parents their due while they are here. 

Dear

As salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu. May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon you and your family. Ameen.

Talking about family, it’s my Dad’s birthday today and I am super grateful for his life. Alhamdulilah rabil alamin. Anyone who knows me intimately, knows that I am a Daddy’s girl through and through. My father doesn’t joke with me and I do not joke with him either. Of my parents, he is the one I took the most physical features from: my eyes, my nose, my dentition, my hands and feet. How perfect is Allah!

You might think that my relationship with my father is all rosy and error free but that is not so. My relationship with my father is not the ‘cutest’ neither can I say I have not had my share of Nigerian parenting drama but with each passing day that I mature, I choose to focus on the good parts, change my perspective of the not so great parts and learn from all the cumulative experiences.

Now, as a parent myself, I understand that my father/ my parents did the best they could at the time with the knowledge they had with various factors such as life experiences, environment etc playing a huge role too. By Allahs mercy and permission, they were able to give me and my siblings a comfortable upbringing and for that I grateful and most appreciative of their efforts.

I am not here to talk about my father and/parents for the sake of talking about them but rather to use this as an opportunity to remind us to please give them their due now so it can be even easier for us to do right by them when they are gone. 

The truth is, I think of my parents now and sometimes I involuntarily get so emotional and cry. I cannot term them happy tears neither can I term them as sad tears; but more like tears that come from a better understanding of the cycle of life and how clearly I can see the reality. The impermanence of it all! 

As a young kid, I watched my parents so strong and agile, never sick, always on top of things. I saw them as super humans yet as I have gotten older, I realize they are just as much of flesh and blood as I am and they too are growing ‘old’. I see the increased weakness, the vulnerability( which they often try to hide) and reality of old age tugging at them.

For a while it seemed like I forgot that as I was growing, they were growing too and boom! All of a sudden I can notice the wrinkles on their faces and hands, I see the white hairs, the shrink in their gait, the increasing aches and pains and the myriad of other baggage that come with old age. Allah musta’an.

, as we go through the hustle and bustle of life, facing our own challenges headlong, building our families , careers etc. If we are not careful to stop and smell the coffee, it is very easy to carry about the childlike ‘superhuman’ perception of our parents that we had as children into adulthood. We forget that our parents are human too: we forget that they have emotions, fears, regrets, wants and aspirations. It is important that we acknowledge this and consider it when we relate to them as adults. 

Just as we want people to care for us and ask us how we are doing, let’s take out time to ask them how they are really doing, get interested in their pursuits and have conversations with them that reveal how they feel internally, as that is the only way we can speak and act in a manner that brings comfort and joy to them.

About three years ago, I and my husband were having a conversation about how we are in the ‘age group’ where parents have started to pass on. Even though we know that our living and dying is determined by Allah only and death is no respecter of age. I know you know what I mean. We do not have and infinite amount of time to spend with them.

That conversation was an eye opener for me and I have since been very intentional about caring for my parents in whatever way I can. I am no longer waiting to ‘blow’ before I give them gifts, however little; whether you feel they ‘need’ it or otherwise. For most parents you will realise that it’s not the amount of the gift that matters but rather the thought and gesture.

I have been more intentional about visiting them, learning about their childhood, calling them, giving them hugs and telling them I love them ( this one has been the most difficult as I didn’t grow up as a particularly expressive child but I am trying). If you are like me, I believe you can try too; send a text, write a letter, anything but let them know.

If you have a strained relationship with your parents or feel like they have wronged you so much, I beg you to please forgive them. I know, I understand some parents can be quite terrible and I empathise with you, but like I mentioned earlier, our parents are humans too and they make mistakes. Just as we would love to be forgiven if we wronged someone, they should be forgiven too. The irony is that forgiveness is mostly of benefit to you, it would allow you room to enjoy them while they are here and also make your soul free and light. Most importantly, you would be rewarded for it bi itnillah. 

Another thing I would like to emphasize today is that you should PRAY for your parents. Make lots and lots of Dua for them even while they are alive. In as much as parents are known to be a pathway to success for us through their prayers. I believe they also need our prayers, perhaps Allah may have mercy on them as a result of your prayers for them.

Personally, one of my recent motivations in striving to become a better Muslim is so that I can be the ultimate legacy for my parents, which is to be a source of sadaqatul jariyah for them. Just as I would want my children to be for me one day, bi ithnillah.

, one thing I have noticed is that parenting is a life long responsibility and once you take on that role you never really get relived of it till you go back to the earth. I have found that regardless of whether a child behaves well or not, a good parent still prays and wishes the best for their children. They still show up regardless in tangible and intangible ways but I want to be a child DESERVING of whatever good they have to give because I know the huge rewards that accompany it. Do everything in your capacity to be a deserving child.

, if you are like me and your parent(s) are still here, please hold on tight to them. Give them their flowers whilst they are alive. I encourage you to love them openly, be kind to them, try to make them happy however way you can, as long as it’s within the confines of Allahs injunctions. Prioritise their needs, as truly there is great blessing in it. The fact is, it is only who you truly care for and prioritise in this life that you can prioritise doing good on their behalf after they are gone.

I hear from people whose parents have passed on that the pain is deep! May Allah grant ease to our hearts. Why not make it a slightly less painful by knowing that you did your best and blocking avenues for future regrets. May Allah assist us. 

If you do not have either one or both of your parents anymore, I pray that Allah forgives them and reunites you all in Jannah. Ameen. Strive to be a great source of ease for them in their grave and in the hereafter. May Allah continually comfort you. Ameen ya Rabb!

I understand that this might not resonate with everybody but if it does, I do hope you listen.

It’s time I stop typing but before I go, may I ask that you please make dua for my good father, Baba Alao. Please pray that Allah accepts his 'good' deeds, forgive his shortcomings and take him only when He is pleased with him. Ameen. 

Per usual, I would love to read from you. If you have any reflections about your parents and or old age that you would like to share, please hit reply.

Have a blessed week

Till you read from me again in shaa Allah,

May Allah bless you abundantly! 

Xoxo 

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