Popular advice, right? You have heard or read about it at least once, right? Same here!

Sigh.

As salaam alaykum . In the personal development world, this is a phrase that is touted around frequently particularly when it comes to negative feedback. It is not that I totally disagree with it, only that I feel like it is half baked advice that can boomerang or not positively serve its recipient in a way that it was intended.

If I were to think about the root cause of this popular advice, I reckon it stemmed from trying to stop the epidemic of people, like you and I caring too much about the opinion of others so much so that we become people pleasers, we become inauthentic, we betray our boundaries and values etc. all in the bid to be in the good grace of others or to be liked by others.

From another lens, it may have also originated from the natural need to shield ourselves from the effects of negative feedback.

So, you see, the intent of advice is to protect. It doesn’t come from a bad place but if the advisor fails to explain the nuances of this advice and if the advisee who may not be mature or self-aware enough takes it hook, line and sinker, it can be a huge recipe for disaster.

Personally, I believe it is almost impossible for any human to totally NOT care about what others think. We are social beings and are wired to want to be liked and accepted by others. We want our ideas to be validated, we want people to be in our corner. A good example is how you would see from a very young age, a baby learning to crawl/ walk is looking at the parent for some form of validation or cheer.

So, when you tell me as a human being that I shouldn’t care about what other people think about me, it’s counterintuitive and frankly quite confusing. I reckon you may have felt the same way too. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

The question then, is should we be playing the cherry-picking game where we only listen to what others say only when it favours us/ strokes our ego? I think not.

What then should be our stance on this? Should we care about what other people think or say about us particularly in terms of negative feedback or perception?

I believe the answer is Yes and No. As a Muslim, I truly believe in taking the path of moderation in living day to day and Islam encourages moderation (of course when it comes to seeking knowledge and hastening to do good deeds to be a better servant of Allah, please go all OUTTTTT)

Bearing this in mind, we should avoid extremes where we care too much about or totally disregard other people’s opinions. We should care enough that it acts as a catalyst for us to want to change or be better but also not care too deeply in a way that it obscures our thinking/ perception of ourselves or put us down.

Often, we hear that no one knows you better than you know yourself but is this true? That’s a conversation for another day.

Back to my train of thought, a common desire that we have as humans is to be self-aware and shall I tell you a way to fast track the process and get a robust view of yourself? By seeking feedback and knowing what others think and feel about you. So, you need to gobble up some humble pie and resolve to not be defensive about whatever feedback you get especially those not so rosy ones. Yup! I know, it can hurtttt!

You should listen to what people are saying especially if 1,2,3,4 unrelated people are saying the same thing, there is a high probability there is truth in it. Then you must CARE enough about it so that you can act upon it and in shaa Allah it can translate to something positive for you. , to listen and care about negative feedback are two different things, if you don’t give a hoot about what you are hearing, then you most likely won’t do anything beneficial with that information.

Secondly, we are very self-centred as humans, we have a very ME first approach to life and that’s instinctual behaviour but at some point, we must transcend beyond that baseline. Often, we cannot see beyond our noses, so knowing what other people think about us or their perception of us gives an inkling or possibility to the truth that we might be missing about ourselves. The reality is, sometimes others see us more clearly than we see ourselves.

Another reason why it’s so key to know what others think or feel about us is because we do not live in silos and relationships are very vital for us to thrive as individuals. Knowing how you make others feel and taking it into consideration is a good way to maintain healthy relationships. It helps us adjust when we may be in error or continue to do certain things if they are beneficial. 

You cannot afford to be in a position where you are oblivious to some non-favourable attitude /behaviours that you exhibit that may be hurting others or even yourself; but because ‘you don’t care about what other people say’, you short-change yourself and rob yourself of the opportunity to make amends.

Now, there is a whole other conversation about what the feedback is ( and the truth of it in relation to your journey as a Muslim on the earth), who is giving the feedback and how they delivered it but like I have come to realise, focus on what you can control and always know that in this life and particularly in the hereafter, everyman is for his/herself. So, if you receive advice or naseeha that will benefit you, you better grab it and act upon it.

Lastly, caring in moderation about what other people think about you is an avenue for you check if you are sending the perception of yourself you would love to give off. It is an avenue for you to know if people have a good experience when they come across you and if that is not the case, it is an opportunity for you adjust and purposefully curate how you want people to feel when they come across you. This should ideally influence positive behaviour for you and in shaa Allah enable others have a positive perception of you.

In shaa Allah in future, I will talk about our reaction to positive feedback about ourselves but till then let me share a few reminders when it comes to giving and receiving feedback:

• Always try to seek feedback about yourself regularly, don’t wait till someone volunteers to because chances are you may never get that opportunity.
• When it comes to giving feedback, always seek permission before you dish it especially when you were not expressly asked to give it.
• If you are on the receiving end, try not to be on extremely defensive (it’s natural reaction that I still struggle with, but try it does get better). If not, you bear the risk of missing out on the juice of what’s being shared with you.
• Learn to take a third person perspective when analysing any negative feedback, you might receive. It helps you be less emotional and reduces the blow.
•  If you are on the giving end, please and please be kind and gracious when giving feedback. Be careful in your choice of words, your intonation and body language.

I really needed to hear this from my myself, FOR MYSELF. Lol.I am curious to know what your thoughts on this topic is . Are you team I don't care or team I care too much or team in the middle? Hit reply and let me know.

I pray Allah makes us amongst those who graciously accept and give good advice/naseeha from and to others. Ameen.

Till you hear again from me, I invite you to catch up with me and my guests on the Radiant Woman podcast. The last episode was with my dear sis Raimat Ali where we spoke about committing to growth despite marriage, kids, the state of your finances and adulting as a whole.

Click here to listen to the episode. You can listen on Anchor, Apple podcasts, Spotify and google podcasts. If you enjoy the podcast, kindly subscribe, like, comment and share the podcast. Let’s make these important conversations spread far and wide.

, I am grateful and I appreciate your time in reading my letters. May Allah bless you.

Love you fi se bililah.

Your sister,

Sekinat

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