Kia Ora...

Today's newsletter is running late...sorry. I normally write it up on Saturday night (NZT) but I forgot... It really was just one of those days where getting anything done was a real struggle. But in better news, my house has finally sold!! Now to get a rental before my dd finishes her first semester of university.

Redbubble is currently changing it's plans for sellers accounts... changing in that they are bringing in tiered payment scheme that they haven't had before, with those who don't sell much on the platform being required to pay a fee every time they do sell something. I initially thought that I'd be one of those on that fee based plan...it's not like a sell a heap of merchandise...but thankfully I'm on the tier above which is fee free. However, I will be looking at other platforms to ensure that if that changes I have an alternative ready to go.

If you missed the email sent last weekend... Devotion (Nagoya Crimes Three) is now available for purchase or read it for free on Kobo+.

Updates

Naomi Aoki

• Devotion has been published in both ebook and print editions.
• I'm unsure if I'll get another book out under this name this year. I had been considering an FF Yakuza short story for an anthology, but I don't have the time to do it. What I can say is that the next one will be Escape (Smoke an Shadows 2) which was originally published as a short story.

Mandy Greenwood

• Bishop (Crime Lords 5) will be written this year.
• I am almost finished with the rewrite of A Baby for Albie (Silverdale City 2). The first three books in this series will be republished in ebook format, and published for the first time in paperback once I've rewritten book 3, Love You Forever, Drayce.

MJ Green

• Love Unpicked (House of Bolton 6) is sitting at 13k words and I can already tell you that one of the secondary characters will be getting their own book/novella at some point.
• Defrocked (House of Bolton Novella) is currently sitting at 7.5k and is proving to be a fun book to write.

Bookfunnel Promos

• Dangerous Liaisons: Dark Mafia

Sales

Don't forget that Deadly Game (Tokyo Nights 1) and Runway Riot (House of Bolton 4) are currently on sale for 99c for the month of April...

Running For Home

Chapter Fourteen

TW: Panic Attack

Travelling from the stadium to their house wasn’t as nerve-wracking as Mike had expected as they passed through familiar suburbs that hadn’t changed much in the two years he’d been gone. And he’d expected to be more nervous, anxious about returning to the house Mike had shared with Jordan, purchasing it together days after Mike had proposed. It still belonged to both of them… his name sitting alongside Jordan’s on the property title, yet Mike had never intended to return to it when walked out the door.

No… it wasn’t nerves he felt at the prospect of returning to their home, but excitement.

Though maybe there was a little trepidation too, unsure of the condition he’d find his kitchen in. It was one thing for Jordan to speak of having a freezer stocked with meat and another entirely for him to realise what other items Mike might need to cook dinner such as herbs, thickeners, and vegetables. Hopefully there’d at least be rice in the cupboard.

Jordan rested his hand on Mike’s thigh, jolting him out of his meal planning and he looked at it in surprise. He made no attempts to move it ether despite the chaotic clamour of emotions in his head. Jordan’s touch reassured Mike, grounded him, and threw him back into a past when Jordan’s hand had always rested there above his knee whenever they drove somewhere. Except the past wasn’t a place where Mike wanted to hangout, and the knee that Jordan’s hand rested upon was the one that stirred up uncomfortable thoughts.

Memories of that day…

Voices that told Mike he was nothing without baseball…

Worthless…

Broken…

Voices Mike wanted to dispel from his mind for good, eventually.

Mike sucked in a deep breath and placed his hand on top of Jordan’s, tangling their fingers together when his husband tried to remove it.

“Don’t. Leave it there.” He gripped Jordan’s hand tighter relishing the exchange of warmth between them. It had been too long since Mike had experienced a touch as intimate as this. “I missed this… missed you,” he murmured while turning to stare at the familiar scenery as they passed it by.

“Me too… I missed you to,” Jordan’s reply came softly.

*

Jordan was relieved when Mike didn’t draw back from his touch. He hadn’t intended on doing it, resting his hand on Mike’s knee while he drove them from the stadium to their house. Instead, Jordan had acted on instinct, a force of habit that came from years of making this journey and the constant need to touch each other.

He basked in the comfort he gained from the familiar action, enjoying the way Mike’s fingers once more slotted perfectly together with his. Jordan could almost believe that everything was going to be okay…that the past two years would quickly become a distant memory they’d both be eager to forget. Mike would move back into their house, sleep in their bed again every night. Jordan wanted to return to the mornings when they woke up next to each other, fucked each other slowly until they were breathless and sated before clambering out and getting ready for another day of practice.

The happiness his fantasy conjured up didn’t last for long as the reality Jordan didn’t want to face reared its head once more. It had been wrong to assume that the long last effects of Mike’s injury would be physical and his depression at not being able to play baseball would disappear quickly now that he was back in Greertown.

Mike had spoken briefly of the panic attacks that hit him at the mere thought of standing in a baseball stadium again, that even watching Jordan’s games were challenge. And it wasn’t as though Jordan hadn’t witnessed one of those downward spirals where his husband drowned himself in alcohol in order to block out the negative voices. He’d simply not understood it completely, easily convincing himself that because Mike had watched him practice over video link that his husband had been magically cured…

But it was hard for him to ignore now as Mike’s hand trembled the closer to their house they got.

Harder still to deny it when your husband sat next to you having a full blown panic attack simply because you’d pulled into the drive of the house you’d once both lived in. It wasn’t only the circumstances around his injury that Mike needed to deal with mentally and emotionally… but also the way he’d handled it all in the aftermath.

Two years ago, Mike had run from this place… run from them.

Jordan had thought his return wouldn’t be that hard… that a few apologies and promises to communicate better would see it all be okay.

He wasn’t so sure of that anymore.

“Mike…” Jordan called softly once he’d safely parked the car inside the garage. “You need to breathe love… it’s going to be okay.” He unhooked his seatbelt and Mike’s while twisting in his seat and trying to calm Mike down. It wasn’t easy. Jordan needed to get closer to his husband that what sitting in the driver’s seat would allow. “Mike… I’m going to let go of your hand, love… but only for a moment. I’m going to get out of the car and come around to your side.” Jordan winced as Mike’s grip intensified. “Mike… I need you to let go of my hand… I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

He barely heard Mike’s voiced acknowledgement and once the tight grip on his hand eased, he moved. Jordan hurried out of the car, closing the door softly behind him before walking around the front of the vehicle so that Mike could see that he hadn’t disappeared. Carefully, Jordan opened the passenger side door and crouched down beside Mike while not knowing how to do…how to help him. He guessed that something was better than nothing, that while the chances of him getting it wrong were high, Jordan also couldn’t stand to see Mike like this.

And he wished his husband had shared it with him earlier.

All the doubts…

The fear…

The anxious thoughts that ran through his head.

But most of all Jordan regretted that he’d continued to dismiss the seriousness of Mike’s issues. Regretted that he’d believed that nothing but love and apologies would’ve gotten them through this—now, and back then.

Love was important. He wouldn’t be here with Mike if Jordan didn’t still feel the same way about his husband as he’d done on their wedding day. It was going to take more than that… terrified him a little, and yet, there was no way Jordan was going anywhere now that Mike was… Well, not quite home, but they’d work on that too except it would be at Mike’s pace, not Jordan’s.

“Do you… do you want to leave?” Jordan asked, his voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper while also resting his hand uneasily on Mike’s thigh. “Do you want me to drive you back to you place…we can have dinner there if you want, or not at all.”

Mike turned to face him, his skin pale, jaw clenched tight while his breath still came in ragged gasps. “No! I want to stay,” he ground out, determination forcing its way into his eyes. “I can do this…. I-I want to do this.” Mike placed a hand on top of Jordan’s and wrapped his fingers around Jordan’s wrist. “I don’t want to run anymore.”

“Then don’t.” Jordan reached for Mike, fingers tracing along the contours of his husband’s face and the seam of his lips. It’d been two years since he’d been able to touch Mike like this… two years since he’d kissed his husband…and so much more, but there’d be time to reacquaint themselves with each other’s bodies in the future. “Don’t run… but even if you do, Mike, I will chase after you… I won’t let you walk away from me like that again.”

Smiling softly, Mike nuzzled the hand now cupping his face, the ragged gasps of panic slowly fading. “Then hold on tight, because this won’t be easy.”

“I’m not going to let go, Mike.” Jordan took a deep breath, pulled his hands from Mike, and rose to his feet. “And I really want to kiss you right now, just not here in the garage.”

Chuckling Mike fumbled with his seatbelt before stepping out of the car on shaky feet. “Why ever not? It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve failed to make into the house before.”

“Yeah…I remember, and maybe we’ll get to that point again.” Releasing a soft breath and blowing his bangs off his face, Jordan held his hand out to Mike and guided him toward the house entrance. “But right now, my legs are kind of shaky, and I’d rather be seated on the couch—or the bed—rather than risk an embarrassing injury while kissing you.” He paused outside the door and pulled Mike hard against his chest. “Because I will be kissing you once we get inside… you owe me two years’ worth of kisses after all.”

*******************

Tokyo Nights

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