Happy Birthday, Sweetheart,

You know most of the stories. You know the timeline. But what I do now, who I am now—I wouldn’t and couldn’t be without you.

Your dad gave me what I needed to stop needing my parents. He made me a wife, and I was determined to be a better one than my mother. He gave me a chance to prove how strong I was. 

A wife supports her husband however she can and celebrates with him the love they share. Together, they build a life together. A life they live and love together. A life they grow into what they envision together. If they don’t consciously build this life, one overpowers the other. My dad overpowered my mom in many ways. I saw my mom as weak, and I was determined to prove I was not.

Your brother made me a mom, something I always dreamed of. It came naturally. But being a mom was more important to me than being a wife—and that became a problem for your dad, who needed constant attention.

Some friends of ours moved to Florida. They loved it and invited us to follow them, to live with them until we get set up, but we could create a whole new life. Your dad and I were excited to start a whole new life. We weren’t really enjoying the life we’d built so far. Most of our friends had been scared away. He said it was because we had a kid. I knew it was because of who he was. People did not want to be around him. He was needy, embarrassing in public, and demanded ALL the attention of whoever he was hanging out with in private. Being around him was exhausting.

We moved to Florida to start fresh. But friends we trusted let us down. Suddenly we were alone. No family. No support. Struggling. 

I became a dancer because it made better money than the BP gas station I worked at before that. It was way more fun too. Your dad stayed home with our [then] 2-year-old. We had a couple of neighbors who helped out sometimes too.

You made us a family. Until now, we were a couple with an extra bundle to shlep around. Now, as a family, life got a little more serious.

Schedules became necessary. Life got serious. Your dad struggled with that, and I saw more of who he really was. I had to choose: the version of a wife he wanted, or the mother I knew I was meant to be.

He thought I should submit to his every demand. He would have had me completely ignore everyone else around me if he had his way. He wanted ALL my attention to himself, except when he was showing me off to anyone he wanted to impress. LoL

Being a mom was more important. I had proven I was stronger than my mom, and now I had to prove what family meant to me.

Anthony gave me confidence. You challenged me. You helped me understand what real family is: people who support your struggles and celebrate your joy. People who grow with you.

You had your dad’s energy—intense, needing lots of attention. I didn’t always know how to meet your needs. I didn’t know how to convince you of your worth, how important you were to me, or how much you were loved.

You said you felt unwanted, like no one liked you. That broke my heart, and I still wish I could’ve helped you feel differently back then.

"Family", much like how I describe a wife, supports you in your challenges and celebrates your successes with you. They love and accept you for who you are, appreciating what you bring to the life you share and the relationship. Communicating challenges and growing together.

Despite it all, you’ve become an incredible father. The one I always wished your dad could have been. You’re present, aware, fun, disciplined, and you listen. Even through your own chaos, you listen to your kids. That is powerful.

You and your brother lead very different lives and I know you don’t talk nearly as often as you’d like. I know you wish he was a bigger part of your life, if not for you, then for your kids. You want them to know their uncle, your brother, who you’re so proud of. You probably wish I was around more too.

You’ve built a family. You’ve left home. You’re no longer that scared little boy. I know you’re still working on things—but you’re doing it.

Tzemi provides financial support and the opportunity to test your own alignment. My hope is that, in time, you’ll either be fully appreciated by him—or you’ll outgrow the need for his support entirely. You’ll tell him it’s time to go when the time is right. And when that day comes, you’ll know it’s because of who you’ve become.

I know the system has tried to hold you back. But you’ll figure it out. You’ve always been more capable than you gave yourself credit for.

I’m sorry you had to qualify for disability—but I’m also glad you got it when you needed it. (Even if it took me forever to let you apply. LoL)

I struggled with what to do for your birthday. I don’t have extra money, and I know that’s what you really wanted. I almost didn’t write this because I figured you wouldn’t read it, or would roll your eyes at how long it is. But if you made it this far, then maybe you do know—how well I see you, how much you’ve meant to me, and how proud I am of the man you’ve become.

This isn’t what you asked for. But it’s the most valuable thing I have to give you today: my words, my energy, and all the love I’ve carried for you for 30 years.

What you think will help, I may not agree with. Sometimes, I’ll do it just to show you that I’m listening, but sometimes I have to deal with your feelings being hurt because you think I don’t love you.

Saying no to you doesn't mean I don’t love you. It either means I’m not where you think I am (I’m not yet made of money, LoL) or I think something else would help more.

Now that you’ve read this little book I wrote for you, here’s the obligatory, old people stuff:

When I was your age, I was divorced with 2 kids. I was starting a brand, new life when I turned 30. It was one of the most challenging and most rewarding “phases” I went through.

You’re way further ahead of me in that way. I didn’t know what family was until way later. I had no idea what a gift I’d been given.

My birthday wish for you is that you’d realize how capable you are, how much more value you bring than you know. I hope this year brings you peace and clarity of who you are.

I’ll love you forever. I’ll love you always. For as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be. (I’ll be around long after you think. The book limits it to “as long as I’m living”. I think you know better. LoL)

Happy 30th, Michael. I see you. I love you. And I believe in the man you’re still becoming.

Always with love,

✨ Mom ✨