Is anyone else terrified of not using up life well enough?
It sounds weird when you put it that way. But summer always cripples me with anxiety. It’s my favourite month, and also the one where you can go more places, meet up with more people, and enjoy most of my favourite activities. And every summer I find myself crushed with the fear that I’m not doing things properly. Not enjoying the season enough. Not ticking off enough of my summer bucket list. Not actually making a bucket list to start with.
So this week, when the topic of going down to the lake and reading for a while came up, I agreed to take my special needs sis. We spent an hour and a half, my little siblings listening to an audiobook, my mother reading on my kindle because hers had no battery, and me reading the backup book I had very intelligently brought (thank you, overthinking).
And yet when I came home, I found myself once again antsy with anxiety because I wasn’t “doing enough.” Hadn’t read more in 1½ hours. Hadn’t taken more pictures. Hadn’t watched the seagulls more. It’s ridiculous—and frustrating—and recurring.
But I’m tired of existing in anxiety that pushes me into exhaustion. Lying on my bed. Scrolling my phone. Avoiding the stuff I like because I know I’ll “regret” not doing it “properly” or “enough.”