Long time aye...

It feels like I'm writing to an old friend...

I've not written since May.... but as i write this, I'm remembering faces of my friends... the frequent openers and most importantly those who would bless me with a cheeky response!

So yes, respond and validate that you're reading... haha writers need sympathy hugs and that comes in the form of replies 😘

Insane to think we're in October and my 30th birthday is 8 days away?

Wild to think that i started this whole " start a business thing when I was 21... I quit my job and was hustling to try make it happen...

I really remember being in Ace Hotel and on my fucking birthday... at like 9pm, working from my laptop and classically Incorporated the company on my birthday in 2015.

time flies....

Ace Hotel Shoreditch has gone bankrupt since then and doesn't exist anymore but i have such strong emotional memories of that place... and now I'm writing this email from a co-working space in Mexico, Tulum...

ps - i'll be here until January so do say hellooooo if you're passing through Mexico :)

I'm not exactly sure my own intention for writing this email or continuing to write which probably causes the inconsistency but I find some joy in knowing that I have a little spot on the internet where a few thousand people humour me by reading my ramblings and occasional pockets of wisdom.

So how am i doing? How's my life? Yes... this is the me show :)

If you don't like the show however, you're welcomed to unsubscribe... but I'm an emotional man-child (who's nearly 30...woooooo ) will be saddened so tread carefully... lest you unleash the beast of sorrowful emotions and sad face emojis in your inbox.

My life is in a strange place if I'm honest... it feels like i have so much figure out so I hope you enjoy this uncut therapy session.

I have four key sections of my life...

TRAVEL

WORK

LOVE

HEALTH

so I'm just going to split this into four emails because... as when I wrote about travel and started writing about Love... I realised damn... this has become a crazy mega long email which honestly nobody needs... hahah!

I'll start with Love... because when I wrote about travel, it felt cathartic but when I started to write about love... it felt raw and a bit vulnerable so it felt good to share.

LOVE

When I started travelling I had just left my last relationship and was pretty adamant about remaining single for a long time because I felt like I rushed into the last relationship.

The relationship was a great and in a lot of ways life changing but I just felt the timing was wrong... and the passion was missing... we got together when I had been single for about two weeks and I think some of it was an emotional rebound.

I think I entered that relationship purely out of my new found appreciation for relationships, high on the adrenaline of love and a desire for connection without the internal stability that I feel shapes connection.

Now I feel like I'm in a much different place and having travelled for 1 year+

Crazy to think I left london 17 months ago and have only been home for 6 weeks your boy has been gone for ~ 482 days abroad and counting.

I've experienced so many little micro romances, love stories and connections with an insane amount of people, at a higher intensity than I've ever known from living in one city.

You can kind of feel like you're in love for a few weeks and then you're off again or they leave... it's a complicated emotional state and although now I feel like i'm seeking a connection which is more stable, maybe more long term... emotionally I almost feel incapable and I'm trying to get to the root of why.

I feel like I'm extremely passionate about them, we have an experience and the passion post experience starts to wane... it doesn't represent the passion that was once there... in a few weeks it ends... because i'll pull away because I won't be excited and I refuse to force connection ( did that in my last relationship when I should have ended it ) but logically i'll wish I was still excited but I'm not... I'll still think about the girl and we'll speak occasionally but there's a hollowness to the sense of connection.

I do wonder,,, If maybe I'm seeking validation from these people... not actually seeking them.

I heard an Instagram quote which kind of teaches me about a potential position

I want her to make me feel like i'm worthy by desiring me but in her demonstrating she desires me me it validates she's not worthy because she can't want me if she's worthy.

It feels kind of true... at least gives me some hypothesis as to why...

I just can't tell if i'm emotionally burned out from so many similar... wonderful but short term experiences

or

If my little childhood insecure brain who used to get constantly rejected by women is shocked and confused by how much attention I've got from the latinas that I'm a kid in a candystore who doesn't know how to deal with the paradox of choice that's presented when you get regular high dosages of validation

So many potentially true reasons to why emotionally i feel a bit empty towards loving connections but I am curious and I am looking to change the emotional response and at least have one that feels like it can sustain enthusiasm and desire.

curious if anyones experienced anything like this or has wisdom to share 😅

Anyway....

That was a ramble and a very long email... If you've made it to the bottom of this, I salute you :)

in the next edition I'll dive into all things Work, Travel and Health :)

Hasta Luego xx

Peace, Love and Squats,

Joshie Josh

Sent with love from These Mexican streeets!