Hi friend,
Two letters ago, I asked you a question.
Free from what?
I promised we would start with the first pillar today, and we will. But I don't want to leave that question hanging. So let me answer it.
When I first asked myself "free from what?", my answers came quickly.
Free from bills. Free from bosses. Free from having to ask anyone for anything. Financial independence. Freedom to express my creativity without boundaries. Freedom to have my time back.
They sounded right. But they were the answers society and culture had taught me to give. Not just the songs. Songs shape us, but they also reflect the society singing them.
When I sat with those answers in the quiet, something stood out.
I was not trying to be free from people.
I'm an introvert, but I love my people. I need my people. My accountability partners have been amazing. My work bestie has been amazing. My prayer partners, fantastic. None of us was built to do this life alone.
What I wanted to be free from was quieter than that. It was the kind of thing you only see when you pause, because the world doesn't stop for you to notice.
For years, other voices decided things for me without my noticing.
What does a good daughter look like?
What does a good Christian look like?
What does success look like?
What is a sick body allowed to want?
They told me who I should be, and how quietly I should be it. Society had already labelled me the quiet, introverted one, and I was supposed to stay in that box.
Some of those voices loved me. Some of them meant well. But they were still not mine.
I had been outsourcing my life to others.
That's where the difference between independence and autonomy lies.
Independence says, I can do it all by myself.
Autonomy says, I can still have help.
I just get to make my own decisions. Decisions that work.
You can live with other people and still be autonomous. You can depend on doctors, family, a community and a village and still be the one who speaks for your own life.
You can stop outsourcing your life to others.
Which brings us to the first pillar.
Identity. Yourself.
Before you can own your decisions, you have to know who is making them.
Many of us have a self that was formed under pressure. In the gra gra of life. It learned to fit, to cope, to keep the peace, and to be useful. It did its job. It got us here.
But underneath it, there is often another self. One that was never given permission to exist.
Now, this is not about blame. Nobody is the villain here. This is not a superhero movie. Not you, and not the people who shaped you.
It's about noticing and naming what you notice.
In The Autonomy Code, the Identity pillar helps you Claim Yourself. The aim is for you to claim yourself. Not fix yourself. Not reinvent yourself. Claim yourself.
Last time, I asked whose voice is loudest in your decisions right now.
This time, I want you to go one step further.
Find a few quiet minutes and ask yourself:
Which parts of me did I build to survive, and which parts did I choose?
You don't need to answer it all today. Just notice what comes up.
In my next letter, we'll look at what claiming yourself actually looks like.
DK
If you made it to the end, join me for Creative Recovery Mondays at 7pm.
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