Hi ~

Last week I posted Rhoda Hostetler’s excellent guest article about forgiveness.

Among other things, her article addressed some of the problems of the nouthetic counseling approach to forgiveness. I’ve addressed others of those elsewhere.

But here’s something just for you, as one of my email subscribers.

One of the things nouthetic (“Biblical”) counselors will often do is press the individual for forgiveness before he or she even understands what it is that needs to be forgiven.

As many of my readers know, in cases of great betrayal, it takes time even to understand what it was that has occurred.

Here’s what one of my readers had to say about that (published with her permission):

In the past when my children fought, I considered the child who responded wrongly just as responsible as the child who instigated the argument. 

Not that our responses should be dictated by our circumstances, and it depends on what the child did in retaliation, but I see now where I needed to really acknowledge that a wrong was done to them.

Honestly when dealing with them that way it gave me anxiety, as I felt pressure to control them in a way. As if somehow I was responsible to make them forgive.

But I am seeing how important it is to acknowledge the pain.

The other day at school a little girl was crying, so I asked her if everything was ok. She told me some kids were mean to her and then said she could never ever forgive them. 

In the past, this would have caused me anxiety, as I would have felt like I needed to stress her responsibility to forgive.

But this time was different. I just told her how sorry I was and empathized with her pain. No stress. I felt peace in just those few words.

I knew that she was still grieving her hurt and needed time, and that the Holy Spirit will do His work in His time.

Scriptural forgiveness as clarified by Rhoda’s guest post last week, is very important. Together as God’s people, we release the unpayable debt owed to us by others, even those who have treated us the most cruelly, as our Savior did for us.

Even when we report criminals to the authorities, we can know that this punishment won’t somehow pay back the debt the evildoer owes us, but that instead, a good government will keep evildoers out of society because society needs to be kept safe.

But as Rhoda observed, when great wrongs have occurred, the Scriptures also show grief in the people of God and emphasize the compassion that we as the people of God must have for each other.

As that little girl is fully heard when describing the wrongdoing that was committed against her . . . as she sees justice being done . . . as she is accompanied through appropriate grief . . . as safe people show her compassion . . . and as she sees Jesus Christ as the God of compassion . . . she will be able to be ready to forgive, ready to open her hands to release that debt.

But we dare not truncate grief by insisting on quick once-and-done forgiveness. Life is more complicated than that, and more messy. And our God is big enough for the complicated and the messy. He is faithful even in that.

Yes, when offenders have truly turned from their sin, we need to forgive, that is, releasing the unpayable debt.

But don’t be afraid of grief. Don’t be afraid to show compassion when others around you are grieving.

This, friend, is part of the Christian life, being the hands and feet of Jesus Christ, who loved you and gave Himself for you.

Longing with you for a grown-up people of God who will be unafraid of grief,

Rebecca

Untwisting Scriptures at heresthejoy.com

See my Untwisting Scriptures series

Trauma-informed Christian book coach at Rebecca Davis WordWorking

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