So, you want to be miserable.

Good.

Because you’re in the perfect place.

In this article, I’m not going to sugar coat anything.

I’m going to give you the exact step-by-step process to optimise your misery gains.

This misery is going to hurt you so much, you’ll wish you’d never been born.

Let’s look at what will happen to you when you fully complete this depressing transformation.

First off, happiness will disappear from your life.

All the beautiful colours of the world will vanish and be replaced by a moody grey.

Your life will literally become a black and white film.

Isn’t that exciting?!

Everywhere you go, no one will take notice of you.

You’ll wander through life with a permanent sulk etched on your face, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

You’re going to be like Charlie Brown with a rain cloud over your head.

The dreams you had?

Gone.

The personal connections you used to crave?

Non-existent.

Every positive aspect of your life will become a thing of the past.

In it’s place, a never-ending slog of bleakness.

Now that I’ve painted a vivid picture of what your future holds, let’s get into exactly how you can make your existential nightmare a reality.

Step 1 — Always See The Worst In Every Situation

This should be easy for you.

If you were a glass half full kinda guy, now you’re a glass half empty one.

Every person you meet is suspicious.

Every opportunity you encounter is too good to be true.

And every single thing in your life is shrouded by an inescapable veil of negativity.

The best part is, all of this is self-imposed.

You can choose to look at the world like this.

And luckily for you, your wishes will be granted.

By seeing the negativity in everything, you’ll magically become a negative nincompoop.

That’s what you want, right?

Well, doing this is a guaranteed tactic to magnify your misery.

And if you want to stay miserable, just keep seeing the bad in everything.

You’ll be miserable until the day you die.

Yay.

Step 2 — Never EVER Take Responsibility

Miserable people hate control.

It makes sense.

If they had control, then they’d stop being miserable.

And to take control, you need to take responsibility.

To stay miserable, you can never take responsibility for anything.

Everything has to be someone else’s fault.

If you were late for work, it’s the bus driver’s fault.

If you’re terrible at flirting, it’s your mum’s fault for not raising you right.

If you’re awful at making friends, it’s because you were bullied at school.

Whatever character deficiency you have, always blame it on someone else.

To fully maximise your misery gains, extend this mindset to every area of your life.

You’re just the victim of a cruel dark world.

Nothing’s your fault.

How could it be?

And because you don’t have any control over anything, there’s no way you can

do anything to improve it.

You’re powerless.

Although this is patently untrue, believe it with all your heart.

By believing it, I guarantee you’ll be miserable until the day you die.

Although your life sucks, at least you’ll be getting sympathy.

Sure, you’ll always remain a loser and never have nice things.

But at least you’ll have pity.

That counts for something, right?

Step 3 — Assume No One Can Understand You

Other people just don’t get it.

You’re the only person on this planet going through what you’re experiencing.

Other people are just too thick to understand.

They don’t get it and they never will.

Your IQ is simply too high and you’re too cool for school.

Other people could never understand the existential misery that you’re going

through.

They’re too stupid.

You see the world for what it is.

All they see is an illusion.

Everyone who agrees with your worldview is accepted.

If they’re as miserable as you, cool.

They get a pass.

But if they don’t subscribe to the way you see the world:

They’re objectively wrong.

And why would you waste time speaking to people who are wrong?

That’s just silly.

Besides, how could they possibly know what you went through?

They didn’t know how mean your mother was to you as a kid.

They have no idea how cruel little Billy was to you that one time at school.

And they haven’t got a clue how painful being dumped by Becky was.

Impossible.

In a world of 8 billion people, there is a 0% chance anyone has gone through

any of the same pain you went through.

You’re unique.

You’re special.

And no one else on this Earth can ever relate to that.

Step 4 — Argue About Absolutely Everything

Doesn’t matter what the subject is.

Just argue about it.

People hate cantankerous losers.

And by being argumentative with everyone, you will naturally repel everyone around you.

That’s what you want, right?

To be alone in your despondent awesomeness?

If so, be obnoxiously argumentative.

Because like I mentioned in the previous step, everyone else is wrong.

You’re the only person on the planet who’s actually figured reality out.

Therefore, you should make it your mission to convince all the optimists that

pessimism is the only logical way forward.

This step is magical for remaining miserable because it actively attacks the

people who attempt to help you.

There’s no better way to dissuade anyone from wanting to do something than by brutally rejecting them.

Besides, you don’t need help.

They need help.

They’re the ones who can’t see the truth.

Not you.

That’s why you should argue with them.

People will start to hate you and will instantly cease trying to help you out of your slump.

By going through all 4 of these steps, I guarantee you’ll become a miserable bastard.

And that’s the goal.

I completed all 4 of these when I was 18 years old and it worked like a charm.

I lost all my friends.

I lost all joy in the world.

I became completely isolated from everyone in my life.

And voila!

I was miserable.

If on the off chance you actually don’t want to be miserable.

Just do the opposite of what I told you to do:

1. See the positive in every situation
2. Always take responsibility for everything
3. Assume people can understand what you’re going through
4. Stop arguing

When I reversed what I was doing before, I became happy again.

Weird how that works, huh?

Anyway, I hope you found this enlightening.

Thanks for reading and I'll speak to you soon,

Godfrey