Are You Struggling with a Dorm Ego?
Jan 13, 2025 3:01 pm
The Power of Empathetic Listening in Leadership
Leadership can be challenging, especially when we have an ego and are dealing with strong personalities and difficult situations.
One essential skill that can enhance a leader’s effectiveness is empathetic listening.
If you are in a leadership position or believe you may be in one in the future, I encourage you to drop your ego and seek to understand through empathetic listening.
In this writing, I will provide you with steps that will help you do so. But first, let’s gain a better understanding of empathetic listening.
What is Empathetic Listening?
Empathetic listening is not just about hearing words; it means actively trying to understand others’ feelings and views.
This listening style requires setting aside one’s ego, biases, and judgments to connect deeply with the speaker.
It involves being fully present and showing genuine concern for what the other person is going through.
A Personal Leadership Experience
When I was in college, I was a Resident Assistant. In case you don’t know, a Resident Assistant is a student leader who lives in the dorm and enforces the dorm’s rules.
That person also has the responsibility for the well-being of the students assigned to his or her floor.
It was the middle of the semester, and I was in the library studying for my midterm test. I received an email about a new student moving onto my floor, but I glanced over it, which would be a huge mistake.
Had I read that email, I would have been prepared for my encounter with the new student.
It was 11:30 PM, and I was still in the library studying when I received a text message from one of my 50 guys that said, “Gene, we’ve been knocking on your door; we have an issue on the floor.” I got up from the table, left the library, and headed to the dorm. I walked inside the building and got on the elevator.
As it was going up, I heard music blasting so loudly that it sounded like thunder. When the elevator reached my floor, the doors opened, and I felt like I was at a party.
I stepped off the elevator, and most of my guys were standing in the hallway with angry looks on their faces as they stared at the door of the room from which the music was coming.
It was the room of the new guy, so to avoid embarrassing him, I asked all my guys to go back to their rooms before I knocked on the door.
The floor cleared. “Knock, knock, knock.” The new guy, named John, yanked the door open. He was a big guy with a buzz cut, and his eyes were red as if he had smoked a thousand cigarettes.
He said, “Man, who are you?” I replied, “I’m Gene. I’m the RA. It’s good to meet you, and I want to let you know dorm rules state we don’t blast music after 9 PM.” He put his finger directly in my face and responded, “I don’t care who you are. You better get out of my face.”
At that moment, I lost it. I went into “hood mode,” completely losing my cool. I got in his face and yelled angrily, “Man! Don’t you ever disrespect me like that again, and you better get your finger out of my face before I break it!”
He walked back into his room, turned down the music, and said, “Whatever.” I replied, “Thank you,” and slammed his door shut.
In that instant, I realized I had failed as a leader. From that day forward, there was an obvious hatred between him and me.
Whenever I saw him in the hallway, he would glare at me with mean, sharp eyes, and I would stare back with the same intensity.
To get an electronic copy of my book "WORTHY TO BE GREAT: How to Build Self-Discipline to Achieve Your Greatness," click the link below.
https://zylvie.com/inGENEious/p/worthytobegreat
Recognizing My Mistake
A month went by, and one day, while sitting in my dorm room, I thought to myself, “Gene, your ego got the best of you. You need to drop your ego and seek to understand why this individual reacted the way he did.”
I decided I would apologize to John the next time I saw him.
Building a Connection Through Empathy
A couple of days later, John started blasting music again after 9 PM. I felt my anger rising because I had already warned him about this.
As I walked to his room, I heard things breaking and slamming against the wall, which heightened my concern. I knocked, and John opened the door, visibly distressed and surrounded by broken furniture.
I also noticed that he had a drawing of how to assemble a machine gun on his wall, which raised my concerns even more because we had just experienced a school shooting at a major university in the country.
Rather than confronting him, I chose to engage him in conversation. I said, “Hey John, I know we didn’t start off on the right foot, but if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. Please turn down the music a little and have a good night.”
John didn’t say a word; instead, he walked away and turned down the music. I walked back to my dorm, and little did I know that this simple gesture would eventually open the door for him to share his struggles.
During the mid-afternoon the next day, I heard a knock on my door. I looked out the peephole and saw John dressed in a trench coat, even though it was 100 degrees outside.
I hesitated to open the door because I didn’t know if he had a weapon. Nervously, I opened the door and asked, “What do you want, John?” He replied, “Can I come in and talk to you?” I said okay.
As he walked in, I stepped back to create a little space between us in case he had a weapon, so I could try to prevent him from grabbing it. I placed two chairs facing each other in the middle of the floor, so we were sitting with our knees an inch apart.
Then I asked, “John, what’s wrong?” He started crying and said, “You’ve been so respectful to me, and you still try to talk to me despite my attitude. I really appreciate that.”
I replied, “It’s all good.” He continued, “Gene, I’ve disrespected you, so let me tell you why I’ve been so angry.”
I remained silent and began listening empathetically.
He said, “One night, my fiancée asked me to go to the store to get some eggs because she wanted to bake a cake for a friend’s wedding. I was busy playing a video game, so I ignored her request. She went to the store herself, and while coming back, an 18-wheeler hit her car and killed her instantly. If I had gone to the store, that would have been me, and she would still be alive today.”
John started crying uncontrollably, and I put my hand on his shoulder while remaining silent.
He was dealing with survivor’s guilt, and after five minutes of allowing him to cry without interruption, I said, “John, I’m sorry for your loss, and I admire your resilience in deciding to stay in school despite this pain. I want to recommend something, if that is okay with you.” “It’s okay, Gene. What is it?”
“Would you be willing to sit down and speak to one of our university counselors so they can help you process this better than I can? I’m willing to help you get scheduled and support you in any way I can.” “Yes, I would like to do that.”
The Transformation of Our Relationship
John and I walked over to the counseling center, where he signed up to receive the help he needed. Over time, I noticed a significant change in him as he attended counseling sessions.
He smiled more and began speaking to me every time he saw me, and we eventually became good friends. This was possible because I was willing to drop my ego and sought to understand him through empathetic listening.
To get an electronic copy of my book "WORTHY TO BE GREAT: How to Build Self-Discipline to Achieve Your Greatness," click the link below.
https://zylvie.com/inGENEious/p/worthytobegreat
Here are 5 Steps To Incorporate Empathetic Listening In Your Leadership:
1) Drop Your Ego: Recognize when your ego is interfering with your ability to listen and lead effectively.
2) Be Present: Listen actively to the speaker, showing that you care about their feelings and views.
3) Seek to Understand: Approach conversations with a genuine desire to understand the other person’s experience, especially in challenging situations.
4) Build Relationships: Listen with empathy to build trust and connection, leading to better communication.
5) Encourage Openness: Create an environment where individuals feel safe to express their feelings and challenges without fear of judgment.
Conclusion
Leadership is not just about making decisions; it’s about connecting with people and understanding their experiences.
As a leader, by embracing empathetic listening, you will build deep connections with those you are leading so you can deal with issues in a way that builds relationships instead of tearing them down, like I did with my Dorm Ego.
Remember, when you drop your ego and seek to understand through empathetic listening, you open the door to meaningful connections that can lead to great prosperity.
So decide to drop your ego and seek to understand through empathetic listening because you are WORTHY TO BE GREAT!
