Stop Defining Yourself by Others Decisions

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When you live your life in accordance with someone else's decision, you are essentially giving that person power over you. Whether it be your parents, teachers, or a significant other, if you define yourself by their decisions, it can leave you feeling disempowered and frustrated. It is important to remember that you have the power to define yourself, and that no one else can determine who you are or what you can do. If you have been defining yourself based on someone else's decisions, it's time to stop defining yourself by their decisions so you can start taking control of your life.

A couple of years ago I was substitute teaching at a middle school. The class I was subbing included a small group of students who were in the school's behavioral management program. Each of us five teachers were assigned a student for the week and the teen I was responsible for was a slim, dark haired teen named Michael.

I had known Michael when he went to his previous middle school and due to his family situation and conduct, he had to transfer to his current school. He had a history of having violent outbursts in class, destroying school property, and he was also known to physically assault teachers. I personally never had any issues with Michael because I built a positive relationship with him through playing him one-on-on in basketball.

Most of the week he was very calm but he had some classes in which he got into heated arguments with the teacher. The root of his anger issues was mysterious so it was hard to pinpoint what triggered him.

Friday that week would be my last day with Michael and it was during this time, he decided to reveal the root of his anger.

Michael and I were walking down the hallway and he said "Mr. Mosley, I want you to know that I looked you up on Youtube and I saw your Empty Closet Moment™ story. Its messed up what your daddy did and it made me think of my own. Let me show you something." Micheal reached into his pocket and pulled out a picture. "Who is this?" "That's my daddy." "This is the only picture you have of your daddy?" "Yeah. He was in and out of prison so this photo of him in his prison uniform is all I have."

Michael then asked a question that I could not answer "Mr. Mosley, why wasn't I good enough for my daddy to stop making bad decisions so he could be in my life?" "Michael that is a question I think you should ask him." "I wish I could but my daddy died of a drug overdose." "I hate to hear that." "It drives me crazy Mr. Mosley when I hear or see other kids with their daddies. It makes me so mad because I feel that if I was as good as them, my daddy would still be here with me."

At that moment, I realized that Michael was defining himself based on his daddy's decisions. This was something I could relate to because I did the same thing for many years. I reached in my pocket and got my wallet. "Let me show you something Michael." I pulled out a picture of my daddy holding me when I was a child. "Is that you and your daddy Mr. Mosley?" "Yes it is and let me tell you why I'm showing you this picture. You see for many years, I asked myself why I wasn't good enough for my daddy not to leave. I would stare at this picture and try to find out all the reasons I wasn't good enough. This was a mistake on my part because I allowed myself to be defined by my daddy's decision. That led to my behavior and anger issues and it sounds to me, you are doing the same thing with your daddy. Michael, if you want to get in control of your anger as well as your life, you have to stop allowing your daddy's decisions to define you."

Micheal stared at the floor for a minute, looked up teary eyed and said "You're right but I don't know how." "Michael, the counselors at your school can help you like counselors once helped me."

Michael started working with his counselors and I found out later from a teacher that he was doing better in school and he had gotten more control of his anger. That process started when he decided to stop allowing his daddy's decisions to define him.

Are you allowing someone else's decisions to define you? Are you allowing what they have done to cause you to feel that you can or cannot do something? If so, its time to stop defining yourself by others decisions. Here are some tips I learned when I went to counselor that may help you:

1. Acknowledge the person and the decision he or she made that has caused you to question your own self-worth.

2. Write the emotions you feel when you think about that decision as well as how you have allowed that decision to define you.

3. Embrace the fact the decision was that individual's and not your own. Then write a positive statement to define yourself. This maybe difficult but its necessary if you want to combat the negative definition you have of yourself that is the result of someone else's decision.

4. Commit to saying your positive statement to yourself for 21 days, 5 times in the morning when you wake up and 5 times right before you go to bed. This is a reframing technique which means you are training your mind to look at something in a different way; which in this case, is yourself.

Defining yourself in a positive light is the key to empowering yourself. So define yourself, and stop allowing the decisions of others to define you because You Are WORTHY TO BE GREAT!!

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