HOW TO STOP PEOPLE PLEASING

People-pleasing is a struggle many of us face, often at the expense of our own happiness.

This was a major issue in my life that I had to overcome, so if you are struggling with people-pleasing, I want to help you break free from the cycle of saying yes to others while saying no to yourself.

Understanding the People-Pleasing Trap

We become so accustomed to saying “yes” to others’ demands out of fear of disapproval that we commit ourselves to pleasing them before we even realize what we have agreed to.

This People-Pleasing Trap can lead to feelings of resentment and misery because we realize we have sacrificed our own needs to keep others satisfied.

Realizing the Consequences of People Pleasing

During the early years of my speaking career, I eagerly accepted any opportunity, often speaking for free. My mentor warned me that this would lead to being taken advantage of, and he was right.

One day, I attended a speaking event at a school that was testing out speakers to decide which one they wanted to hire for their back-to-school assembly.

Upon arriving at the school, the principal, a middle-aged woman with dark brown eyes and an authoritarian voice, said, “Mr. Mosley, we have had several speakers during the week, and none of them connected with our students. We will give you 10 minutes to present, and if the students like you, we will bring you back for our back-to-school assembly at your speaker’s fee.”

Excited about the opportunity, I responded, “This sounds great!”

I then presented in front of the students. It went extremely well, and the principal and her assistant principal approached me.

She said, “The students really liked your presentation, and I would like for you to present your entire keynote for our back-to-school assembly after the summer. My assistant principal will contact you over the summer about the fee and agreement details.”

Four weeks before the new school year started, the Assistant Principal reached out to me via email, stating, “Mr. Mosley, our students look forward to your presentation for our back-to-school assembly. We look forward to having you.”

I responded, “This is good to hear, and I would like to get the agreement signed as well as receive 50% of my fee before moving forward.”

To my surprise, I did not receive a response from him, so I sent another email, only to get the same result.

Later in the week, the Assistant Principal emailed me again, informing me they had put my name on the flyer.

This had been done without my consent or a written agreement that I would do the event, so I emailed requesting to discuss my fee and the details of an agreement.

The following week, I still had not heard from him, so I sent another email stating that I would not be attending the event without knowing that I would be compensated.

The Assistant Principal responded, “We don’t have the money to pay you, but the students would really benefit from having you speak.” I replied, “That was not what your principal, and I discussed, so I cannot attend.”

He sent another message saying, “This will be very disappointing to the students.”

When I read that, I felt a bit of guilt, but I stood my ground because I knew that if I had given into people-pleasing, I would have felt resentment for saying “No” to myself and “Yes” to his pressure.

Steps to Stop People Pleasing

Breaking the cycle of people pleasing requires intentional action. Here are three crucial steps I learned that helped me reclaim my power.

1. Stick to Your No

When you say no, it should be a complete sentence. No explanations are necessary. I used to give long reasons for my decisions, which let others push my boundaries. This made them think my no could be changed.

By sticking firmly to your no, you established a clear boundary that others learned to respect.

2. Don’t Give In to Guilt Trips

People who expect you to comply may use guilt to change your mind. I experienced this when the school principal said the students would be disappointed.

It’s important to recognize these tactics so you can avoid allowing guilt to influence your choices. Once you have decided, stand firm, knowing your feelings are valid.

3. Create Distance When Necessary

If someone continues to pressure you after you’ve set your boundaries, you may need to distance yourself from them.

This could involve having less contact or avoiding discussions on the topic. It’s important to protect your mental health.

By establishing your boundaries, you can maintain your emotional well-being and show that manipulation won’t influence you.

Empowering Yourself Beyond People Pleasing

Overcoming people-pleasing takes time and practice. Each time I set my boundaries, I felt more empowered.

The more I said no without guilt, the more I saw my worth. People-pleasing was a habit, but breaking it felt freeing.

It’s important to know that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, it does the opposite. By putting your needs first, you build healthier relationships.

You show others how to treat you by demonstrating self-respect and authenticity.

Final Thoughts

Stopping people-pleasing starts with you. It’s about taking back your power and controlling your life. Learn to say no, avoid guilt trips, and set boundaries because You Are WORTHY TO BE GREAT!