Nature abhors a vacuum
Mar 19, 2025 9:01 pm
Kia ora e ,
Early 2024 I was trapped in my car while the passenger screamed at me and refused to get out.
How did I get here? Great question!
Firstly, the passenger was not a stranger. They were someone I considered a friend. Let's call her Karen.
I'd known Karen for years, we'd met at a toxic workplace (shared trauma increases bonding) and kept in contact - I took her to an appointment most weeks and we often ran errands together after (my favourite friend-date).
On this afternoon she'd started talking shit about someone I cared about and I asked her to stop.
Repeatedly.
What does this have to do with vacuums?
I waited to drive her home (because I'm not an arsehole). She screamed at me the whole way and continued to do so once we got to her place. (Because setting a boundary somehow ignored her boundaries.)
Eventually I screamed back.
Karen was shocked, asking if I was ok, as though my response was unreasonable.
After taking a day to cool down I broke up with her. You read that right.
We owe our friendships the same respect as our romantic relationships (but that's not the point here).
There was a gap in my life where Karen had been. It was painful (not helped by her response) and lonely; compounded by another recent friend break up and a romantic relationship too.
Yep, in the first quarter of 2024 I removed 3 people from my life. It was not easy, I wanted to hold on to these fixtures in my life.
Turns out that when you cut out people who don't respect you, it makes room for people who will.
Because nature abhors a vacuum.
A couple of months down the track not only had my other friendships strengthened but I'd met an amazing romantic partner too.
The best part was I could be my complete self in a way I hadn't felt safe to in my previous relationships.
A year later, I'm more selective in who I spend time with and much happier for it.
What do you need to let go of to create space for something better?
Want to discuss this more? Book in for a coaching session.
In The News
You might know that 2025 marks 250 years since Jane Austen was born. The media is in a frenzy. I was asked to contribute a piece on Jane Austen's continuing relevance for the The Sunday Star Times which will be publishing this weekend. But you can read it now:
In the more than 200 years since Jane Austen published, people and society haven't changed all that much (even though I'm writing this on a computer rather than with a quill).
She may be dead, but the patriarchy (sadly) isn’t. Austen lived in a time when it was hard(er) to be a woman; none of her novels bore her name during her lifetime, as it was considered scandalous for a woman to write, let alone earn a living. Let's be honest: if we were talking about Shakespeare, there'd be no question of continuing relevance. Lydia Bennet is almost ruined by eloping, just as women are slut-shamed today. Lizzy Bennet might be called "mouthy" for daring to have an opinion, and Lady Catherine de Bourgh is recognisable as a micromanager.
The spectre of Napoleon loomed large during Austen’s life (and in her novels), exactly as a couple of male figureheads on the other side of the globe do for us now. Our more connected and mobile world means we are as affected by their decisions as she was by someone just across the channel.
Marriage for financial security, depicted in Austen’s novels, may be making a comeback. In the current climate, with increased economic pressures and uncertainty, it could be argued that you can’t afford to choose a partner without considering their finances. Charlotte Lucas has no affection for Mr Collins when they marry, but marriage is necessary for her survival.
Austen’s novels provide a sense of justice. Bad things happen, but they happen off-page, and everyone gets the ending they deserve (except perhaps Mr. Collins). Lizzy marries someone who appreciates her intelligence; Darcy gains a partner who will tell him off when he needs it. With the way things are going, it’s comforting to know that happy endings exist.
If you're still keen on Austen retreats by the sea, let me know by July
If you're in Wellington I hope to see you next Saturday for Playing Jane.
Ngā mihi nui,
Frances Duncan (she/they)
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2025 Austen Society Events
29 March: Playing Jane Eventbrite or Humanitix $30
23 April: Roleplaying $20
24 May: Costuming Austen’s Characters Eventbrite or Humanitix $30
25 June: Calling hour $10
24 July – 16 October: Group Read: Sense and Sensibility $30
26 July: After Austen: Em Eventbrite or Humanitix $30
27 August: Roleplaying $20
17 September: Calling hour $10
18 October: Book Club: Sense and Sensibility $25
19 November: Role playing $20
16 or 17 December: Austen’s 250th Birthday! TBC
Future Years Austen Society Events
2026: Diversity
- Group read: Unmarriageable, in person book club plus an online Q&A with the author Soniah Kamal
- Talk by Amy Blythe, author of Within My Reach a Sapphic retelling of Austen’s Persuasion set in contemporary New Zealand
- Seeking: speakers with queer (gender and/or sexuality) and disabled perspectives
2027: Austen and Other Authors
- Harry Ricketts on Austen and Kipling
- Mark Houlahan on theatre in Mansfield Park with a focus on Lovers' Vows and Henry the Eighth
- Group read: Old Friends and New Fancies (the first published Austen fanfiction)
- Seeking: Austen’s influence on other authors, authors who didn’t like Austen (please, it would be so funny), other suggestions on theme are welcome
2028: Austen and Medicine?