"Ako nagstruggle ako ngayon sa way of communication.. though mas pinili na nya ang babae nya at may bahay na daw sila.ang bbabae na sa hk.ang asawa ko seaman. So nagkikita lang sila kapag bakasyon.. kami ng 4 kung anak is parang limos na atensyon nalng para sa mga bata. Kahit nandyan sya at wala ang babae still di nya magampanan ang pagiging tatay nya kasi pinipigilan sya ng babae na magpunta sa amin..
at the same time nung nalaman ng father ko na may iba na sya pinili. Sa harap harapan na kami nagusap usap.. sinabihan din sya na wag na muna sya magpapakita doon para maka move on kami sa mga pangyayari..
now mas nagkakaroon ako ng peace of mind kapag wala ako nababalitaan sa kanila.. but then mga kapatid nya ang nagmemessage sakin kung ano mga gusto ipasuyo ng asawa ko sakin..
ako ang napeperwisyo sa mga kaka text nila na pupunta sya sa school mga bata, kukunin sasakyan, magmemessage sila ate nagpunta kuya sa school nandyan kaba, kanina pa sya naghihintay.
Lahat ng communication namin is indirect kasi sa mga kapatid pa dumadaan ang mga pinapasabi nya. Dahil hawak ng babae cguro account kaya nakablock ako sa kanya..
okey lang ba to cut our communication sa father nila pati ang mga anak ko..
ayoko kasi nakakabalita sa kanya anything..
para ako nararattle or kinakabahan or bigla nalang lalakas ang tibok ng puso ko kapag may text sya..
kasi iniisip ko ano na naman kaya etong text nya..
baka pag binasa ko masasaktan magiisip na naaman ako..
gusto ko patahimikin muna nya kami ng mga bata.. total di naman na nya rin nabibigyan ng oras ang mga bata.
Pera pansuhol nya sa mga anak nya.. na yun yung way nya para makabawi ang pakainin ang mga bata sa labas. Pero di yun magagamot yung mga ginagawa nyang pagbabalewala sa mga bata. 6 10 13 14 years old na mga anak ko..
9 years na pala sila.. 3 years na ako nagsusuffer.. i need to accept i need to heal.. travel is one of my way to be happy. Pero di rin kasi kahit saan ako magpunta kasama ko ang ghost nya."
Ang sakit noh?
One of our email subscribers sent this to me yesterday and I copied her exact words here for you to hear her story exclusively.
(just added a few spacing para di ka ma overwhelm magbasa)
I know na mababasa nya rin naman tong email na to.
I'm really taking this opportunity to give my Healing After Cheating Advice through an email blast kasi feeling ko makaka help ang sagot ko sa story nya sa ibang email subscribers din like you.
Honestly, yung questions nyang to... natanong ko rin kasi to noon kay Lord.
And dahil nga pinagdaanan ko na pati consequences of the delay in taking action, gusto kong maka learn ka sa own experiences ko answering her questions.
Here you go...
When it comes to communication, I normally advice my students na SPACE is needed kapag nalaman mo na may Other Woman at nakikita mong walang changes or... wala syang plan to stop his dark ways.
This may be seen as selfish but this is actually HEALTHY for both of you.
Space can be either physical space as in nasa different location ka or... if wala kang practical option na umalis ng bahay, it's basically imposing extreme boundaries at home.
Sa pag impose mo ng space, kasama rin dito ang mga anak mo.
This doesn't mean ilalayo mo sila sa father nila.
This only means protecting them from any damage na makikita nila like pag-aaway nyo physically and emotionally, makikitang mag tatalik ang husband mo with the other woman or...
...indirectly mapag buntunan ng init ng ulo ng husband mo ang mga anak mo.
This will help you and your husband coz you'll have inner realizations kung ano ang gusto and ayaw nyo in the relationship and of course, boundaries will be met.
Here's what happened to mine...
When the Lord convicted me to finally stand firm on my beliefs avoiding pre-marital sex last 2022...
Maraming consequences ang pinagdaanan ng anak ko na pinagsisihan ko.
Well, if wala kaming naging anak, things could be a lot easier kasi di naman kami kinasal despite the almost 10-year relationship that year.
But situations are a lot harder kapag may anak kayo.
When I discovered his infidelity wayback 2019, wala talaga akong nakilalang Other Woman or tumayong kabit.
Back then, kahit parang nagmukha na akong detective sa kakahalungkat, at kahit pilitin ko sya, he would insist na One Night Stand lang ang pinag galingan ng STD na nabigay nya sa akin.
At dahil marami pa rin syang ka chat even after giving him chances, I felt so disrespected and triggers came.
In other words, dahil nga genuine apology wasn't met and dahil naging hilaw ang pagpapatawad ko noon and boundaries and principles disrespected, hindi naging healthy ang pakikipagbalikan.
But my goal was really to reconnect deeper and help him in the long run.
At dahil pinagpa enroll nya sa ate nya ang anak namin for pre-school sa kanila without me knowing...
At dahil sa pag force nya kuha sa anak namin that year indirectly showing his gun...
Natakot ako.
Pero mas katakot takot pala ang mangyayari dahil natakot ako sa pwede nyang gawin.
Lingid sa kaalaman ko while battling for our father's last breath last 2022, following God's instructions and trying to co-parent healthily in the hope of a better relationship...
May babae na pala na pinapapasok sa kwarto namin sa pinatayo nyang bahay.
Nagtaka na lang ako how our son's behavior changed and...
Kung sinong Mommy ang bukambibig ng anak ko.
I asked his father but couldn't get any information.
Feeling ko, ginawa akong tanga ng lahat.
I was so blind and I felt another wave for betrayal from his family yet... I still can't blame them.
Nag bulag bulagan pa ako non even when I already experienced my son trying to act S-E-X to me in different positions at the age of 4 during his vacation to our place...
But I started getting the inch of doubt, instinct and I was deeply alarmed.
Nagsisimula na kasing mag show ng kakaibang attitude and extreme pain while deeply crying ang anak namin noon when I showed him our family photos.
What more???
The Lord one day made ways to reveal to me the truth until one day... ayaw na umuwi ng anak ko doon while I'm trying to co-parent.
Dahil sa extreme respect ko sa papa nya...
I thought I needed to send him again there at patapusin ang nursery class nya para walang gulo kahit ayaw nya.
That was a big mistake on my end.
Hindi ako nakinig sa request ng anak ko.
That decision was the worst thing of my life and I regret it so much...
Alam mo anong pinaka masakit na revelation sa akin this Mother's Day lang???
I have confirmed why he cried so hard, grabe ang yakap sa akin at nag tatuntrums na wag na bumalik last January 2023 sa lolo nya na nagbabantay sa kanya.
Yun na pala yung time na naglayas ang anak namin at nilagay raw pala sya sa sako while they're interrogating him kung bakit ayaw nya na roon.
This memory just came up his mind after ko sya maka date this Mother's Day coz even this special day alone... nag tantrums sya ng marinig nya.
He told me sinasabihan sya na evil ako kasi gusto ko raw ng ibang baby, di ko raw sya mahal and... ayaw ko raw sya makasama for Mother's Day. For mothers only lang daw.
How evil those thoughts injected sa subconscious mind nya na hanggang ngayon ay may mga triggers pa rin sya marinig lang ang Mother's Day.
I can't imagine how scared and broken he was those times na nilagay sya sa sako.
And he would tell me teary-eyed how he would sleep on the floor with his father and the Other Woman on bed.
And there, telling me seeing what they're doing trying to watch acting like he's asleep.
Kaya naman sis...
Last July 2023, nung nakuha ko finally ang custody sa pagpapa aral sa anak namin for Kindergarten.... even if he said wala akong makukuhang financial support, di na ako natinag.
Mas importante kasi sa akin ang health ng anak ko.
But even that victory didn't come easy.
While co-parenting and sending our son to school without any support... he seemed to be the one still manipulating everything.
Psychologists may tag him as a narcissist.
But I call him a broken soul.
I know he loved our son but that kind of love almost killed his soul.
It's because since August 2023, I had extreme battles while co-parenting.
Our son would repeatedly tell me his father would kill me each time he comes after the weekend with them. There were even times when he would grab a knife, point it to me acting like trying to kill me with an evil eye and... an evil smile.
At age 5, I saw a future killer if I won't act fast.
Those eyes were like those killers I saw in movies.
And I got even more afraid kung ano pa ang mga susunod na mangyayari if hahayaan ko ang co-parenting set up namin.
I fought the good fight.
But I know his father was fighting harder.
So I called to the Lord by last quarter of 2023.
I remember I would always cry saying...
"Lord, pagod na pagod na po ako. Kelan ba to matatapos? Sinunod lang naman kita. Lord... help my son as how you have helped me. Kung paano mo pinalaya ang mga Israelites from Pharaoh's hands, help me and my son. Just as how you helped David be freed from Saul's hands... please help us."
Pa ulit2x kong dinadasal ang mga linyang to.
And by December 2023, alam kong si Lord ang gumawa ng paraan for him to get to the point to threaten to KILL ME over the phone.
It was like almost a decade since our last communication.
Kaya nanginginig pa ako bago sagutin ang tawag na yun.
My previous convo through chat with his sister and relatives became so toxic and ayaw nya na ring makipag communicate sa akin dahil may iba na pala syang binabahay na di ko pa alam noon.
May ibang babae ng tinatawag na "Mommy" ang anak ko.
And at that time... totally wala na akong communication sa kanila.
Kagaya ng story ng email subscriber na to... hawak na rin siguro ng babae ang phone nya ng mga panahon na yun.
Kaya nga if di ako nag direct sa police station kasama ang tumulong sa akin na taga media last July 2023...
I won't get hold of my son and won't get the right to send him to school as Kinder in our City.
Imagine mo ba yung life ni Maggie Wilson???
Ramdam ko sya.
Feeling ko si Maggie Wilson ako na pinaglalaban ang karapatan ko sa anak ko. Lower version lang ni Maggie kasi di naman pang Miss Universe ang body ko. Hehe
Kidding aside...
Ginamit kasi ng papa ng anak ko ang influence nya.
Saka hawak nya rin sa leeg ang whole family nya.
Though di naman sila mayaman talaga, mayaman sya sa influence and parang nawalan ako ng lakas na ilaban ang anak namin legally dahil na rin sa mga alam kong kaya nyang gawin.
Now going back to the scenario last December...
Imagine your ex kicking your computer table.
Then after one of your monitors fell, he kicked again until totally damaged na ang system unit mo while running away trying to kidnap your son.
Pangalawang araw yun ng pagpa blotter ko sa kanya.
Tapos pag ka next year (2024) na naibalik ang anak ko dahil sa holidays and... legal procedures na minsan mas mabagal pa sa pagong.
Finally, I learned he got married by January 2024 through God's ways again even if I didn't mean to know dahil in reality, di na talaga ako nag uupdate sa kanyang socials for my peace of mind.
Then last January 2024 rin, he came to our place bringing his gun, went inside forcibly trying to get our son while asleep...
Trying to grab his gun to shoot us and me trembling while calling the police station's number.
Fortunately, nakapag respond sila agad dahil naka dalawang blotter naman na ako last December.
And that was the turning point of our custody.
That was called inquest according sa PNP.
Pwede na syang ikulong right away at mag file ako ng case.
Worst?
Nung pinagbigyan ko for the last time na makuha ang bata as per advice ng WCPD para sa birthday nya at para makabalik kami for another legality sa PAO...
That day, I never imagined na lalabas ang inner demon ko shouting at him in front of the attorney saying na I won't agree sa Php500-1k financial support nya monthly at need nya pa makuha ang anak namin twice a month.
Told him we'll see in court na lang.
Pero dahil sa trauma na inabot ng anak namin...
I decided again not to file.
Here's the truth...
Even if gustong gusto kong masuportahan nya at makasama nya pa rin ang anak namin... I see the situation not fit for it.
I'd rather be the bad guy for now than our son to be the bad guy later suffering his life in hell here on earth.
You see...
Yung trauma at consequences na pinagdaanan ko ay hindi basta2x trying to push our son's custody.
And I know maraming email subscribers trying to have a complete family para sa mga anak.
But in reality...
Hindi lahat ng cases pwedeng ma salvage and...
Hindi lahat ng cases "healthy" na magsama para sa anak.
Kaya in the story I shared here including my story...
BOTH our story would be healthier na walang communcation for now sa Tatay ng bata.
Di naman forever ganito ei.
One day, lalaki sila at maiintindihan nila and...
...pwede kahit sila mismo mag reach out sa Tatay nila.
Ang importante for now if ganito ang case mo is the HEALTHY way to healing muna.
Kasi pag ikaw or ang anak mo na ang maliligaw ng landas at masisira ang future...
...double the trouble na.
That's it!!!
I hope I answered her questions and I hope you learned something.
Ang haba2x na ng email na to.
But you see...
Kahit napagod ako kakatype nito, I felt the need to SHARE these to you.
Para naman maintindihan mo na di ka nag iisa sa journey mong to.
Kasama mo ako sis.
Magkakampi tayo.
And most importantly, nakikita ni Lord ang bawat luha na umaagos sa pisngi mo.
I hope you found value sa email na to.
And of course... you can wait for the lesson #3 tomorrow.
I'll update lang here sa email so stay tuned ha???
Kasama mo sa saya at lungkot,
FJ "Feeling Joyful" Lapera
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